Man on phone: Fuck your ass, bitch! I don’t give a shit about you! Try saying something nice to me!
600 New Hampshire Avenue NW
Washington, DC
Overheard by: Doctor Whom
Archive for July, 2017
Okay, So Part of That Was in My Head
Professor: A few years ago I had a student ask me for an alternative final because he had scheduled a vacation in Barcelona for the week of the final. I told him, ‘Die, yuppie scum! And no.’
Engineering building, UC Santa Cruz
California
Overheard by: Jessica P.
Dude, You’re the Worst Optimist Ever
Student employee: A girl lost her feet on a roller coaster at Six Flags.
Employee: At least she didn’t lose her pants.
Towson, Maryland
Unless It’s One Of Those Dreams.
Secretary: Hey how you doing?
Lawyer: Oh, you know, just livin’ the dream.
Secretary: What dream is that?
Lawyer: I’m not sure.
Secretary: Okay. Let me know when you figure it out.
Lawyer: Okay. I will.
Dallas Texas
3PM Covering All the Bases
Employee: We just need the style guide to spell out everything, in complete detail. It’s mainly for like, legal reasons; to cover our bases.
Intern trainee: Oh. So I guess it’s like how blow-dryer labels say “do not put in mouth while in use.” Not like it’s a pressing issue, but there’s always that one retard that’s gonna fuck shit up.
Employee: Uh…sure.
Intern: OK, cool. As long as I’m getting this.
777 San Marin Drive
Novato, California
Overheard by: Max Guevara
Just Go Reread That Last Line
Co-worker #1: After work I need to go to…to…that place where you take your mail to?
Co-worker #2: The post office?
Co-worker #1: No…The ups store.
Co-worker #2: You mean the UPS store.
Co-worker #1: I think so.
1225 State Street
Erie, Pennsylvania
One Takes Babe Steps Towards Wisdom, I Suppose
Cubicle geek on phone: So the summation of my weekend is I found out that a bikini waxing strip is not an appropriate solution to a mono-brow.
London
England
That Good?
Coworker #1: So, how was the pig?
Coworker #2: I got blood on my crotch.
A&M University
Texas
Sometimes a Box Pun Quote Just Makes Our Day
Female older admin: That’s not my box.
Male supervisor: Well, it was listed as yours.
Female older admin: Not my box. Not my box.
Male supervisor: Well, maybe Kate just thought it looked like yours.
Female older admin: Nope. (pause) I am still missing my box. That is not my box.
Male supervisor: Hmmm, Caroline was missing her box too, maybe this is her box. (louder) Hey Caroline, what does your box look like?
Caroline: What?
Female older admin, under breath: Not my box.
Brooklyn Center, Minnesota
Overheard by: I’m tired today.
Once You Try a Giant Mutated Rat Sensei, You Never Go Back
Lady peon #1: Have you been following this e‑mail chain? Derek* wrote that he was going to send his ninja friends after her, and Karen* wrote back, ‘Which ones? Leonardo or Donatello?’ Then Derek replied, ‘Splinter.‘
Lady peon #2: I love Splinter!
Lady peon #1: Yeah, me too. That’s what I was going to write back to them.
555 West Monroe Street
Chicago, Illinois
