Archive for June, 2017

Yo­da: Don’t Try– Do!

Woman #1, wait­ing for el­e­va­tor: We should re­al­ly take the stairs.
Woman #2: Yeah. I’ve been try­ing to take the stairs more.
(they pro­ceed to wait an­oth­er three min­utes, un­til el­e­va­tor fi­nal­ly comes)


He’s Got a Busi­ness Mod­el on the Tip of His Tongue

Stu­dent #1: I had a re­al ques­tion! I re­al­ly want­ed to know the an­swer, and he act­ed like it was a joke.
Stu­dent #2: So. what was the ques­tion?
Stu­dent #1: How does a blind per­son know when they’re done wip­ing?
Stu­dent #2: … What, there’s no punch line?
Stu­dent #1: That’s what my teacher asked, but I re­al­ly want to know the an­swer — it’s a valid ques­tion!
Stu­dent #2: Well, I’ll ask my un­cle next time I see him.

El­e­va­tor, Co­lum­bia Col­lege
Chica­go, Illi­nois

Dude, You’re Not Get­ting That Dell!

Cus­tomer: Yeah, like I need to get this pur­chase au­tho­rized for school sup­plies and stuff.
CSR: Yes, sir. Can you tell me the pri­ma­ry card­hold­er’s name?
Cus­tomer: Yeah, that would be me. My name is on the card.
CSR: No sir, you are on the ac­count. I need the pri­ma­ry card­hold­er; is he avail­able?
Cus­tomer: No, he is in Flori­da or Geor­gia or some­thing. Dude call my Dad, he can tell you all about it.
CSR: I need to ask you some se­cu­ri­ty ques­tions first. Do you know the pri­ma­ry card­hold­er’s date of birth?
Cus­tomer: Uh, dude, this re­al­ly sucks…I can’t re­mem­ber his birthday…Dude that’s pret­ty sad I don’t even know my fa­ther’s birth­day.
CSR: OK, sir can you give me the last 4 dig­its of the so­cial se­cu­ri­ty num­ber on the ac­count for the pri­ma­ry card­hold­er.
Cus­tomer: Dude, are you kid­ding? I will tell you any­thing about me that you want to know I just want to get this stuff go­ing, y’­know?
CSR: Sir, can you hold?
Cus­tomer: Sure.

2 min­utes pass.

CSR: OK sir, I have blocked the card. Please in­form your fa­ther that he will need to give us a call to take the block off the card.
Cus­tomer. Dude, this fuck­ing sucks. I have any in­for­ma­tion you need about me, why can’t you call my dad?
CSR: I am not call­ing your dad sir, please in­form him that he will need to give us a call to have the block tak­en off the card.
Cus­tomer: Dude you are re­al­ly start­ing to piss me off, dude.
CSR: Sir you can’t ver­i­fy any of the se­cu­ri­ty ques­tions, and I can’t ap­prove this trans­ac­tion.
Cus­tomer: …Dude call my dad! He will give you any­thing you want to know.
CSR: I am not call­ing your dad, sir.
Cus­tomer: Dude, you have so just lost 4 ac­counts!

3615 Broth­er­ton Road
Cincin­nati, Ohio

Um, I Meant I’m Hav­ing a Ba­by

Chub­by 19-year-old cashier, to cowork­er that said she had gained some weight: No, its just ba­by fat.
Cowork­er: What? Girl, what my baby’s got is ba­by fat… you just got fat.

Green­wich Vil­lage
Man­hat­tan, New York