Engineer: Damn, I’m tired. I was up all night with a case of the number threes.
VP: Number threes?
Engineer: You know, when you think you have to go number two, but actually you have to puke in the bathtub.
Paterson, New Jersey
Archive for January, 2017
I’m More Interested in the Idea of Cheese
Customer: I would like a cheeseburger but with no cheese.
Cashier: So you want a simple hamburger?
Customer: No! A cheeseburger with no cheese!
Fast food restaurant
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: burger lover
2PM Raising Headcount
Recruiter for aid programs in Afghanistan: I talked with one Mark Johnson* — an 82-year-old WWII vet. He doesn’t hear well, but would love to see some combat. I told him that I would see what we could arrange.
Manager: Ummm…
Recruiter: Dude, sarcasm?
7250 Woodmont Avenue
Bethesda, Maryland
One Would Imagine Quite the Opposite
Developer: Surprisingly, in the competitive field of musical sodomy there are very few entries.
Terre Haute, Indiana
I Think This is Going to Stay on the Visine Ad Cutting Room Floor
Boss: I don’t know if it’s because she was black, and I’m not used to hiring black people, but I just didn’t get a good feeling from her.
Sales guy: Yeah, plus, her eyes were kind of red.
Boss: A black alcoholic. That’s just what we need.
Los Angeles, California
Cellhead: Did You Hear What That Guy Said? Ow! Quit It!
Male flight attendant: Okay, folks, one last time — please turn your cell phones off. If the person next to you is talking on their phone, smack ’em! That should teach them.
Southwest flight 1911 to Oakland, California
Overheard by: Katie
I Never Should’ve Shown Grandma How to Use the Internet
Employee: Hi, can I help you?
Customer’s cell rings.
Customer: Hold on a sec… [answers cell] Hey! did you talk to Jeremy*? He is pissed at you… Why? ‘Cause you put gay shit all over his MySpace! There is a guy with a huge dick on his MySpace! Yeah! You better help him get it off ’cause he doesn’t know how! Okay, bye.
Employee: Uhhh…
Customer: Yeah, can I get a sundae, please?
1050 Montauk Highway
Copiague, New York
Overheard by: i hate customers…
She Slapped Me for an Innocent “Warm Nuts” Comment
Airline worker: I’m clear at gate 20 and that flight attendant is a bitch.
Denver International Airport, Colorado
Overheard by: Headed toward the Flight Attendant
They Play “Jiggle Bells”
Boss to chubby young female coworker: Hey, why are you jingling?
Chubby young female co-worker (after brief pause): Umm, because I’m fat.
Boss (horrified): Wait… What?! No, no, not “jiggle” …jingle!
Chubby young female coworker (laughing): Oooooooh! (lifts up foot and gives it a shake) I have little bells on my socks!
New Market, Maryland
Much Like the Terminator
Manager: I will be gone after three.
Minion: Will you be back?
Manager: Yes, at various times throughout my career.
St. Louis, Missouri
