Archive for 2016

The Klan Has Fall­en on Hard Times

Ghet­to girl on cell: Whitey snuck in­to my apart­ment and set my alarm clock off by 12 hours! I ain’t nev­er snuck in­to no white per­son­’s house and put poi­son in they’re food! But Whitey’s op­pressin’ me. Whitey snuck in­to my apart­ment while I was in the show­er and stole my un­der­wear! While I was in the show­er!

545 Bus
Out­side Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton

Don’t Even Get Them Start­ed on Sip­py Cups

Suit #1: What was that?
Suit #2: What?
Suit #1: You just hid some­thing when I came up.
Suit #2: It was my juice box, be­cause it’s… You know…
Suit #1: What? There’s noth­ing wrong with drink­ing juice from a box. I love juice box­es.
As­sis­tant, walk­ing up: What are you guys talk­ing about?
Both suits, in uni­son: Noth­ing.

Scotts­dale, Ari­zona

Over­heard by: Cube Gu­ru

It’s More Like Un­earthing One That You Buried

Fe­male cowork­er: I don’t know. I was think­ing about los­ing about 50 pounds.
Male cowork­er: Yeah, I think I could lose about 30 to 40 my­self.
Fe­male cowork­er: You know what I heard? With men, if you lose, like, 35 pounds, you gain an inch.
Male cowork­er: Uh…

500 North King Street
Wilm­ing­ton, Delaware

Over­heard by: i just want­ed a coke

12PM Con­fer­ence Call

Co-work­er #1: Do you know how to do a three-way?
Co-work­er #2: Huh?
Co-work­er #1: Yeah, [Mario] wants me to do a three-way with him and [Tod] to dis­cuss the pro­pos­al.
Co-work­er #2: You mean a three-way call, then.
Co-work­er #1: Yeah.
Co-work­er #2: Oh, well, no I don’t, but I’m sure [Sarah] can show you.

W134 N8675 Ex­ec­u­tive Park­way
Menomonee Falls, Wis­con­sin

Over­heard by: Dude

Are You Go­ing Some­where With This, Bob­by?

Child: Zom­bies have an erec­tion.
Ther­a­pist: A what?
Child: They have an erec­tion.
Ther­a­pist: Yes, they have a res­ur­rec­tion.
Child: God had an erec­tion too.
Ther­a­pist: Yes, I sup­pose he had one too.
Child: God had one and now he has pow­ers.

Queens, New York