Archive for 2016

While Your Coworker Holds It… What?

Lackey #1: My buddy tells me he exercises his cock in the shower by doing curls with a wet towel.
Lackey #2: That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows the best way to do that is by flexing your chode muscle all day long.

100 Wall Street
New York, New York

2PM Update EotM Wall

Employee #1: I can’t believe they made that bitch Employee of the Month.
Employee #2: Me, neither.
Employee #1: I’m going to the general manager.
Employee #2: Yeah, I’ll back you up.

Later.

Boss: Who the hell told her that was a good idea to come see me?
Employee #2: I don’t know, I tried to stop her.

999 South Main Street
Salt Lake City, Utah

3PM Out for Some Fresh Air

Courtyard dweller #1: I am not sure I should hire him.
Courtyard dweller #2: Why? He seems cool enough.
Courtyard dweller #1: I asked him what he was listening to on his iPod when he walked in.
Courtyard dweller #2: Yeah, and?
Courtyard dweller #1: He was listening to Celine Dion.
Courtyard dweller #2: Enough said.

10050 Wolfe Road
Cupertino, California

He Can Be Ready in 60 Seconds

Teacher: Can you tell me what states I might find on the West coast of the United States?
Student: The big one on the bottom. Mexico is part of the United States.
Teacher: No, that is wrong. Mexico is a country, try again.
Student: Look, my parents live here and they said we’re American and they came from Mexico. It’s part of the United States.
Teacher: I am telling you, you are wrong. Mexico is a country — it has its own government.
Student: Look, if it was its own country then why is everyone just walking over here? That’s what I did and I’m still here.
Another student pulls out cell: Not for long.

School, Desert Marigold Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada

And Sprinkle Its Bowl with Lithium

Female coworker #1: Squiggy committed suicide last night.
[Long pause.]Female coworker #1: He seems to have jumped out of the tank and shriveled up on the desk top… so it looks like I’ll be getting another guppy.
Female coworker #2: Looks like it.
Female coworker #1: Or… Yeah, I guess I’ll get another guppy.

Baltimore, Maryland

Mainly You, So: No.

Employee #1: I left early yesterday because I was sick. I think there's some bad dressing in the fridge.
Employee #2: Why did you eat that? That was from 2009!
Employee #1: Why did you leave a note saying anyone could eat it? Are you trying to poison everyone?!

Wheaton, IL