Gonna Be a Long Class

Train­er: Now, see, you just click and drag, like this. (he clicks and drags)
Em­ploy­ee: Wait, can you show me that again?

Sarato­ga Springs, New York

The CIA Has Been Mak­ing That Mis­take for Years

Boss: So just use a black high­lighter to mark—
As­sis­tant: Black high­lighter?
Boss: I meant ‘Sharpie.’ Yes, don’t ever get the two mixed up.

Hern­don, Vir­ginia

I Over­heard That the Ge­nie is Still Laugh­ing at You

Co-work­er #1: Wan­na go in, say…10 min­utes? Or do you need longer?
Co-work­er #2: How about 15?
Co-work­er #1: I knew that was what you were go­ing to say!…I think I wast­ed my wish when I said, “I’d like to know what peo­ple are
go­ing to say, right be­fore they ac­tu­al­ly say it.”

1835 Ter­mi­nal Dri­ve
Rich­land, Wash­ing­ton

Could and Have

New chef: I got­ta take a dump.
Wait­er: There’s no toi­let seat in the em­ploy­ee bath­room.
New chef: Dude, I just got out of jail af­ter five years. I could shit in a pick­le buck­et in the mid­dle of our din­ing room and it would­n’t both­er me.

Cir­cle Cen­tre Mall
In­di­anapo­lis, In­di­ana

Over­heard by: Shat­man­du

And Have That Carpal Tun­nel Surgery

Male VP: We’ll beat it off for now.
Fe­male gen­er­al coun­sel: We’ll beat it off for the next five years.
Con­sul­tant: That’s prob­a­bly the longest we can beat it off for.
Fe­male gen­er­al coun­sel: And then I’ll re­tire.

Wash­ing­ton, DC

Over­heard by: If I so much as smile, I’ll get fired.

…Ac­cord­ing to This Let­ter of Rec­om­men­da­tion.

Cube rat: Ja­son* is a pret­ty good guy… for a racist ho­mo­phobe.

Sen­lac Dri­ve
Dal­las, Texas

Over­heard by: Is That All?

I Said, ‘F‑U’! And How Do You Spell His Name?

Da­ta ar­chi­tect man­ag­er: And the new ta­bles — who’s tak­ing care of that?
DBA: Dan­ny Phu*.
Da­ta ar­chi­tect man­ag­er, mak­ing a note: Dan­ny… F‑U?
DBA: Ex­cuse me?

1555 Lundy Park­way
Dear­born, Michi­gan

12PM Lunch

Cu­bi­cle girl: [Brad], want any­thing from Taco Bell? I’m mak­ing a run.

[Brad]: Yeah, I’ll go with you. But let me give you my or­der first.

Cu­bi­cle girl: But you’re com­ing with me.

[Brad]: I don’t want to for­get what I want. So I want the spicy chick­en, spicy, make sure it’s spicy…

250 Park Av­enue
New York, New York

What the Fire Said

Guy over PA sys­tem: May I have your at­ten­tion please. There has been a fire re­port­ed in the build­ing.
Co-Work­er: Well, that’s just an ex­cuse to go smoke.

East 13th Street
Cleve­land, Ohio

Over­heard by: block­ing the ex­it

Bri­an Was Fired for Trim­ming Off the Earth­’s Crust

Pudgy guy in lift: A six-week hol­i­day tells you just how much you hate your job.
Fe­male col­league: So, what are you go­ing to do? Get out of here?
Pudgy guy: Well, I can’t do any­thing else… I could go back to ge­ol­o­gy.

New South Wales
Aus­tralia