Archive for 2015

By Which I Mean Her Hair­line’s De­scend­ing to Meet It

Proud grand­moth­er to cowork­er: Look, here’s the lat­est pic­ture of my grand­daugh­ter! She’s four now!
Cowork­er: She is so cute! I see she still has that uni­brow thing go­ing on. Will she have it lasered off?
Proud grand­moth­er: Maybe. But she is grow­ing in­to it.

Irvine, Cal­i­for­nia

In Re­al­i­ty, He’s a Dif­fer­ent Kind Of Hole.

Mid­dle aged male boss: Eat these last two donuts.
At­trac­tive fe­male pe­on: 70% of how you look is what you eat, and I don’t want donuts on my butt.
Mid­dle aged male boss: I think she just called me donut-hips.

Co­lum­bia, South Car­oli­na

Tonight on Dis­cov­ery’s Dirty Jobs

Em­ploy­ee #1 to boss: Oh, what the fuck?! It smells like shit up there!
Boss, laugh­ing: You fart­ed!
Em­ploy­ee #1: No, I did not!
Em­ploy­ee #2: Du­u­ude! Some kid just shit on the car­pet!
Boss: No! Shut the fuck up!
Em­ploy­ee #1: Oh, come on! Two months ago some kid pissed on the car­pet, and now we got some fuck­er who shit on the car­pet?!
Em­ploy­ee #1: He re­al­ly shat?
Em­ploy­ee #2: He had di­ar­rhea or some­thing.

Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia