Archive for 2015

And Why Are All My Prob­lems Self-In­flict­ed?

Boss: Who wants to do these re­ports?
En­thu­si­as­tic la­dy: I’ll take them! Will be done in no time.
Boss, 15 min­utes lat­er: Are those re­ports ready, Ang­ie*?
En­thu­si­as­tic la­dy: I’m still on it.
Boss, 15 min­utes lat­er: I need those re­ports now.
En­thu­si­as­tic la­dy: I am work­ing on them as fast as I can. [Boss leaves, then] Why does he give me so much work and keep ask­ing me if it’s done?!

4340 Con­necti­cut Av­enue
Wash­ing­ton, DC

Over­heard by: did not ask for work

Um, Ac­tu­al­ly

Man­ag­er: So there was this one time I spent $600 on snack foods.
Clerk #1: What?
Man­ag­er: Yeah, my friend and I went to the gro­cery store and bought a ton of food, but we al­so de­cid­ed to bring along his cat in a back­pack, and then we let him out in the store be­cause we fig­ured he was old and would­n’t escape…but he did. We lost him in the store, and then we left.
Clerk #2: You just left the cat be­hind?!
Man­ag­er: There’s no stop­ping the Frito Ban­di­to.

Maine Mall
Port­land, Maine

Ed­na Has a Slight Touch Of VP-Ness En­vy.

VP: So it does­n’t work, what do you want me to do about it?
Sec­re­tary: You’re one of the big guys. Why don’t you use your VP-ness and give me one that does the job?

Du­ran­go, Col­orado

If At First You Don’t Suc­ceed, Low­er Your Stan­dards

Drunk chick: Hey, bar­tender! Did any­one ever tell you you look like Luke from Gilmore Girls?
Bar­tender: No. What’s Gilmore Girls?
Drunk chick: It’s a show on TV. You should look it up. [To guy stand­ing next to her] Hey, you look like this guy in this porn I have!

Dick­son Street
Fayet­teville, Arkansas

Over­heard by: laugh­ing in­to my beer

How to Get Put on Hold Un­til Your Kid’s Out of Di­a­pers

Staff: Hi, this is Hap­py Tod­dler, Inc.*, how can I help you?
Cus­tomer: I bought these Hap­py Tod­dler ba­by wipes yes­ter­day and in­stead of a sin­gle wipe you’d ex­pect to be pro­trud­ing from the cen­ter so you can pull them out, this one I got had a bunch of wipes pro­trud­ing out, look­ing like a her­nia. I had to hold down the bulk of the wipes from the cen­ter. I had to get my tweez­ers and fish in­to the depths of the con­tain­er and fi­nal­ly pull out a wipe.
Staff: Ok, ma’am. Can I put you on hold?

Perth, West­ern Aus­tralia

Over­heard by: on­ly her­nia-ed it