Archive for 2015

And Why Are All My Problems Self-Inflicted?

Boss: Who wants to do these reports?
Enthusiastic lady: I’ll take them! Will be done in no time.
Boss, 15 minutes later: Are those reports ready, Angie*?
Enthusiastic lady: I’m still on it.
Boss, 15 minutes later: I need those reports now.
Enthusiastic lady: I am working on them as fast as I can. [Boss leaves, then] Why does he give me so much work and keep asking me if it’s done?!

4340 Connecticut Avenue
Washington, DC

Overheard by: did not ask for work

Um, Actually

Manager: So there was this one time I spent $600 on snack foods.
Clerk #1: What?
Manager: Yeah, my friend and I went to the grocery store and bought a ton of food, but we also decided to bring along his cat in a backpack, and then we let him out in the store because we figured he was old and wouldn't escape…but he did. We lost him in the store, and then we left.
Clerk #2: You just left the cat behind?!
Manager: There's no stopping the Frito Bandito.

Maine Mall
Portland, Maine

Edna Has a Slight Touch Of VP-Ness Envy.

VP: So it doesn't work, what do you want me to do about it?
Secretary: You're one of the big guys. Why don't you use your VP-ness and give me one that does the job?

Durango, Colorado


If At First You Don’t Succeed, Lower Your Standards

Drunk chick: Hey, bartender! Did anyone ever tell you you look like Luke from Gilmore Girls?
Bartender: No. What’s Gilmore Girls?
Drunk chick: It’s a show on TV. You should look it up. [To guy standing next to her] Hey, you look like this guy in this porn I have!

Dickson Street
Fayetteville, Arkansas

Overheard by: laughing into my beer

How to Get Put on Hold Until Your Kid’s Out of Diapers

Staff: Hi, this is Happy Toddler, Inc.*, how can I help you?
Customer: I bought these Happy Toddler baby wipes yesterday and instead of a single wipe you’d expect to be protruding from the center so you can pull them out, this one I got had a bunch of wipes protruding out, looking like a hernia. I had to hold down the bulk of the wipes from the center. I had to get my tweezers and fish into the depths of the container and finally pull out a wipe.
Staff: Ok, ma’am. Can I put you on hold?

Perth, Western Australia

Overheard by: only hernia-ed it