Archive for June, 2015

What Kind of Flowers?

Black suit on cell: Lemme get this straight — she filed a restraining order against you and you’re still calling her and sending her flowers? That ain’t love, man. That’s… insanity.

Montgomery, Alabama

Overheard by: Kim

How You Know You’re Spending Too Much Time with Your Coworkers

Young blonde secretary: My boyfriend’s in jail. He’s got another year to go.
Avuncular man: Why do you need this loser? Is this the best you can do?
Young blonde secretary: I don’t know. I guess I should break up with him, but I don’t know why I don’t.
Avuncular man: How can you not know? If you saw a child smearing chocolate all over the walls and you asked him, ‘Why are you doing that?’ and he said, ‘I don’t know,’ what would you say to him?
Young blonde secretary: I’d say, ‘Stop it!’ … So I guess I should just stop it, huh?
Avuncular man: And if he didn’t stop, you’d slap the shit out of him, wouldn’t you?
Young blonde secretary: Yeah… But I don’t know why I don’t stop.
Avuncular man: Well, don’t take this the wrong way, but if you were my daughter, I’d slap some sense into you.
Young blonde secretary: Yeah, my father has tried that.
Avuncular man: Apparently he didn’t slap you hard enough.
Secretary’s boss, walking into room: Are you talking about your boyfriend again?

Lawyer’s office
Rockville Center, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry

11AM Tetanus Shot

Interviewer: So, in this position, sometimes the clients with behavioral issues might hit you or bite you. Would you have an issue with this? Would you have trouble working with that client again?
Interviewee: Oh, no, my boyfriend bites me all the time. See?

1001 W. 124th Avenue
Westminster, Colorado

Overheard by: A Sane Applicant

Actually, the Chain One Is More Properly Called a Flail

Judge: I’m not here wielding a mace. You know what a mace is, right?
Attorney #1: That’s the spiked ball at the end of a chain, right?
Attorney #2: In medieval times it was at the end of a stick.
Attorney #1: Well, popes and kings had one at the end of a stick.
Judge: As a symbol of royal or divine authority.
Attorney #2: But it was also a weapon at the end of a chain.
Judge: So, the mace served as both a symbol and a weapon.
Ghetto teen on trial: Cops sprayed dat in my cousin’s face.

District Court
Ronkonkoma, New York

Overheard by: Big Larry