Archive for 2014

Don’t Piss Off Jesus. Just Don’t Do It.

Customer: Well, maybe I could find something at a lower price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of remodeling work.
Real-estate agent: Sir, if you’re a carpenter you won’t be able to afford anything in this area.
Customer: I’m a contractor and I have more money than I know what to do with. If I say I’m going to climb into your ass and renovate, that’s what I’m going to do.

109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY

Overheard by: Dirtpatch

For One, Being Canadian Never Helps Anything

Employee #1: Dude, every time we have to do heavy lifting you start drinking and then everybody sees you drinking and they want to start drinking. You need to stop drinking before the work is done.
Employee #2: I understand that you don’t like me drinking before the work is done, but i dont know what the answer to this problem is.

3553 31 Street NW
Calgary, Alberta

Somehow Stupidity is Never an “Emergency”

Intercom: This is an announcement from the building fire safety department; it is just a test. If you could not hear this message, please contact the fire warden. Thanks for your attention.

1221 6th Avenue
New York, NY

Office manager: Yeah, technically I’m supposed to be the one in charge of organizing everyone to evacuate if there is a fire. But…if this were the real thing, it’s every man for himself.
Co-worker: That’s horrible.
Office manager: The people I feel worst for are the handicapped. They have to find someone to help them out of the building…and I just don’t know who would do that.

3535 Market Street
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Look, Non-English Speakers Are Taking Our Jobs!

Co-worker: And I am not exaggerating, but my dog literally chewed my brush up into 75 million pieces.

6600 Campus Circle Drive E
Irving, Texas

Woman #1: So I went to Filene’s Basement last night, and I was–literally–raped, I spent so much money, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?

24 North Street
Pittsfield, Massachusetts