Archive for 2014

Don’t Piss Off Je­sus. Just Don’t Do It.

Cus­tomer: Well, maybe I could find some­thing at a low­er price that needs fixed up. I do a lot of re­mod­el­ing work.
Re­al-es­tate agent: Sir, if you’re a car­pen­ter you won’t be able to af­ford any­thing in this area.
Cus­tomer: I’m a con­trac­tor and I have more mon­ey than I know what to do with. If I say I’m go­ing to climb in­to your ass and ren­o­vate, that’s what I’m go­ing to do.

109 Lafayette Street
New York, NY

Over­heard by: Dirt­patch

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Re­porter Spurned

Re­porter: We can’t give Gary an award.
Copy ed­i­tor: Why not? You know, if it’s the best sto­ry and he was here dur­ing that month…
Re­porter: What, we’re go­ing to give him a posthu­mous award?
Copy ed­i­tor: You know, Gary’s not dead.
Re­porter: He is to me!

189 W. Main Street
Spar­tan­burg, South Car­oli­na

Over­heard by: W. Texas Mike

For One, Be­ing Cana­di­an Nev­er Helps Any­thing

Em­ploy­ee #1: Dude, every time we have to do heavy lift­ing you start drink­ing and then every­body sees you drink­ing and they want to start drink­ing. You need to stop drink­ing be­fore the work is done.
Em­ploy­ee #2: I un­der­stand that you don’t like me drink­ing be­fore the work is done, but i dont know what the an­swer to this prob­lem is.

3553 31 Street NW
Cal­gary, Al­ber­ta

Some­how Stu­pid­i­ty is Nev­er an “Emer­gency”

In­ter­com: This is an an­nounce­ment from the build­ing fire safe­ty de­part­ment; it is just a test. If you could not hear this mes­sage, please con­tact the fire war­den. Thanks for your at­ten­tion.

1221 6th Av­enue
New York, NY

Of­fice man­ag­er: Yeah, tech­ni­cal­ly I’m sup­posed to be the one in charge of or­ga­niz­ing every­one to evac­u­ate if there is a fire. But…if this were the re­al thing, it’s every man for him­self.
Co-work­er: That’s hor­ri­ble.
Of­fice man­ag­er: The peo­ple I feel worst for are the hand­i­capped. They have to find some­one to help them out of the building…and I just don’t know who would do that.

3535 Mar­ket Street
Philadel­phia, Penn­syl­va­nia

We Don’t Have to Be Po­lite Be­cause We Won

Japan­ese en­gi­neer: So how is De­troit?
Amer­i­can en­gi­neer: Well, De­troit is what Chica­go would look like if a nu­clear bomb blew up there.
Japan­ese en­gi­neer: Nu­clear bomb?
Amer­i­can en­gi­neer: Yeah, you know, like what a city would look like af­ter you dropped a nu­clear bomb on it. Kin­da like that.

300 Takat­su­ka
Hama­mat­su, Shizuo­ka

Look, Non-Eng­lish Speak­ers Are Tak­ing Our Jobs!

Co-work­er: And I am not ex­ag­ger­at­ing, but my dog lit­er­al­ly chewed my brush up in­to 75 mil­lion pieces.

6600 Cam­pus Cir­cle Dri­ve E
Irv­ing, Texas

Woman #1: So I went to Filene’s Base­ment last night, and I was–literally–raped, I spent so much mon­ey, got a bunch of stuff.
Woman #2: Ooh, what did you get?

24 North Street
Pitts­field, Mass­a­chu­setts