Archive for 2012

GM's Been Doing That for Years

Cool but nervous manager on conference call to big bosses: So you are having trouble with those bolts?
Local manager: Yes, but we added oil and they worked better.
Big boss: You are not authorized to use oil.
Local manager: You ever tried to screw a dry hole?
(momentary silence, then loud laughter)
Local manager: Oh, shit!

Arlington, Texas


I Thought I Just Did.

Male coworker: Want to go to a party later?
Gullible female coworker: Really? You want me to come to a party with you? Is there a theme?
Male coworker: Yes, it's a “pants party.”
Gullible female coworker: That sounds cool… What's a pants party?
Male coworker: It's a party in my pants, haha.
Gullible female coworker: I really don't get it… What time are you going to pick me up?

Lafayette, California


If One More Person Asks Me That Today…

Designer #1 to designer #2: My wife likes Justin Bieber.
Designer #2, photoshopping pictures of people with justin bieber bangs: Want me to bang her?

Indianapolis, Indiana


This Au Bon Pain Won't Become a Starbucks for at Least an Hour

Elderly woman: (hands cashier a Starbucks gift card)
Cashier: Oh. I'm sorry, ma'am, but you can't redeem this here.
Elderly woman: Why not? It has $25 on it.
Cashier: Because this is a Starbucks card, and you are at Au Bon Pain. You have to use this at a Starbucks.
Elderly woman: That's stupid. It's all coffee.
Cashier: Yes, but it's a different company.
Elderly woman: That's stupid. You're stupid. You and your stupid children.
Cashier: Okay, ma'am. I don't have kids.
Elderly woman: Well, you look like you had some stupid kids out of wedlock on and now all of you are on welfare.
Cashier: Okay, ma'am. Please leave.

Union Square
New York City, New York


Or Heroin

Coworker #1: I am getting sick but I have plans for tonight.
Coworker #2: If I had drugs I would give them to you.
Coworker #1: I don't need drugs to have a good time tonight.
Coworker #2: I mean drugs that help you get better, like Dayquil.

Arlington, Virginia


Sometimes Our Submitters Are the Catty Ones

Fiesty nurse: Man, my elbow itches, what that mean? Somebody thinkin bout me or something?

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Yep, his name is Ashy


…So You Predicted Correctly.

14-year-old to mom: Guess what I found out, mom, my ex girlfriend is a whore. She's aleady pregnant by some asshole.

Pediatrician Office
Florida

Overheard by: Esmie


Christine O'Donnell, for One.

Law firm lady #1: What state is DC in? Virginia or Maryland?
Law firm lady #2: Well, it's its own state; just put 'DC' as the state.
Law firm lady #1: Okay, thanks. But, was DC ever a state at one point? I know like some people there still want to be part of the confederacy or something.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Jimmy


Much Like the Wash, Their Friendship Goes in Cycles

Milfy secretary: James*, do you do your own laundry?
Sales rep: Well, I live alone, so… yeah.
Milfy secretary: You can't just leave your clothes in the washing machine, you need to put them in the dryer right away. You need a girlfriend, she would explain these things to you.
Sales rep: I mean, I don't leave it for a long…
Milfy secretary: You smell, James!
Female sales rep: Oh, thank god you said something, I just thought it was a really bad cologne he was trying.

Charlotte, North Carolina