Archive for 2012

GM’s Been Do­ing That for Years

Cool but ner­vous man­ag­er on con­fer­ence call to big boss­es: So you are hav­ing trou­ble with those bolts?
Lo­cal man­ag­er: Yes, but we added oil and they worked bet­ter.
Big boss: You are not au­tho­rized to use oil.
Lo­cal man­ag­er: You ever tried to screw a dry hole?
(mo­men­tary si­lence, then loud laugh­ter)
Lo­cal man­ag­er: Oh, shit!

Ar­ling­ton, Texas


I Thought I Just Did.

Male cowork­er: Want to go to a par­ty lat­er?
Gullible fe­male cowork­er: Re­al­ly? You want me to come to a par­ty with you? Is there a theme?
Male cowork­er: Yes, it’s a “pants par­ty.“
Gullible fe­male cowork­er: That sounds cool… What’s a pants par­ty?
Male cowork­er: It’s a par­ty in my pants, ha­ha.
Gullible fe­male cowork­er: I re­al­ly don’t get it… What time are you go­ing to pick me up?

Lafayette, Cal­i­for­nia


If One More Per­son Asks Me That To­day…

De­sign­er #1 to de­sign­er #2: My wife likes Justin Bieber.
De­sign­er #2, pho­to­shop­ping pic­tures of peo­ple with justin bieber bangs: Want me to bang her?

In­di­anapo­lis, In­di­ana


This Au Bon Pain Won’t Be­come a Star­bucks for at Least an Hour

El­der­ly woman: (hands cashier a Star­bucks gift card)
Cashier: Oh. I’m sor­ry, ma’am, but you can’t re­deem this here.
El­der­ly woman: Why not? It has $25 on it.
Cashier: Be­cause this is a Star­bucks card, and you are at Au Bon Pain. You have to use this at a Star­bucks.
El­der­ly woman: That’s stu­pid. It’s all cof­fee.
Cashier: Yes, but it’s a dif­fer­ent com­pa­ny.
El­der­ly woman: That’s stu­pid. You’re stu­pid. You and your stu­pid chil­dren.
Cashier: Okay, ma’am. I don’t have kids.
El­der­ly woman: Well, you look like you had some stu­pid kids out of wed­lock on and now all of you are on wel­fare.
Cashier: Okay, ma’am. Please leave.

Union Square
New York City, New York


Or Hero­in

Cowork­er #1: I am get­ting sick but I have plans for tonight.
Cowork­er #2: If I had drugs I would give them to you.
Cowork­er #1: I don’t need drugs to have a good time tonight.
Cowork­er #2: I mean drugs that help you get bet­ter, like Dayquil.

Ar­ling­ton, Vir­ginia


Some­times Our Sub­mit­ters Are the Cat­ty Ones

Fi­esty nurse: Man, my el­bow itch­es, what that mean? Some­body thinkin bout me or some­thing?

Den­ver, Col­orado

Over­heard by: Yep, his name is Ashy


…So You Pre­dict­ed Cor­rect­ly.

14-year-old to mom: Guess what I found out, mom, my ex girl­friend is a whore. She’s aleady preg­nant by some ass­hole.

Pe­di­a­tri­cian Of­fice
Flori­da

Over­heard by: Esmie


Much Like the Wash, Their Friend­ship Goes in Cy­cles

Mil­fy sec­re­tary: James*, do you do your own laun­dry?
Sales rep: Well, I live alone, so… yeah.
Mil­fy sec­re­tary: You can’t just leave your clothes in the wash­ing ma­chine, you need to put them in the dry­er right away. You need a girl­friend, she would ex­plain these things to you.
Sales rep: I mean, I don’t leave it for a long…
Mil­fy sec­re­tary: You smell, James!
Fe­male sales rep: Oh, thank god you said some­thing, I just thought it was a re­al­ly bad cologne he was try­ing.

Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na