Archive for May, 2012

This Au Bon Pain Won’t Become a Starbucks for at Least an Hour

Elderly woman: (hands cashier a Starbucks gift card)
Cashier: Oh. I’m sorry, ma’am, but you can’t redeem this here.
Elderly woman: Why not? It has $25 on it.
Cashier: Because this is a Starbucks card, and you are at Au Bon Pain. You have to use this at a Starbucks.
Elderly woman: That’s stupid. It’s all coffee.
Cashier: Yes, but it’s a different company.
Elderly woman: That’s stupid. You’re stupid. You and your stupid children.
Cashier: Okay, ma’am. I don’t have kids.
Elderly woman: Well, you look like you had some stupid kids out of wedlock on and now all of you are on welfare.
Cashier: Okay, ma’am. Please leave.

Union Square
New York City, New York

Or Heroin

Coworker #1: I am getting sick but I have plans for tonight.
Coworker #2: If I had drugs I would give them to you.
Coworker #1: I don’t need drugs to have a good time tonight.
Coworker #2: I mean drugs that help you get better, like Dayquil.

Arlington, Virginia

Sometimes Our Submitters Are the Catty Ones

Fiesty nurse: Man, my elbow itches, what that mean? Somebody thinkin bout me or something?

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Yep, his name is Ashy

…So You Predicted Correctly.

14-year-old to mom: Guess what I found out, mom, my ex girlfriend is a whore. She’s aleady pregnant by some asshole. 

Pediatrician Office

Overheard by: Esmie

Much Like the Wash, Their Friendship Goes in Cycles

Milfy secretary: James*, do you do your own laundry?
Sales rep: Well, I live alone, so… yeah.
Milfy secretary: You can’t just leave your clothes in the washing machine, you need to put them in the dryer right away. You need a girlfriend, she would explain these things to you.
Sales rep: I mean, I don’t leave it for a long…
Milfy secretary: You smell, James!
Female sales rep: Oh, thank god you said something, I just thought it was a really bad cologne he was trying.

Charlotte, North Carolina

Your Editors Are Lovin’ This

Customer: Can I get a medium vanilla thickshake? Thanks.
Cashier: I’m sorry, what?
Customer: Can I get a medium vanilla thickshake?
Cashier, looking confusedly at cash register: What flavor?
Customer: Vanilla.
Cashier, after long pause: What size?
Customer: Medium, or regular, or whatever the middle one is.
Cashier: (looks blankly ahead for a few seconds then gets manager)
Customer: Fucking hell.



Global VP: If I ever bring in bacon, you’ll get the hot, floppy type!

Portland, Oregon