Archive for April, 2012

These Are My Fat Pants, Too

Coworker, returning from lunch: If you hear something busting over here, it’s probably my pants.

Champaign, Illinois

To Be Clear, It Doesn’t Have to Be On Your Birthday

Gay coworker #1 : Don’t talk about blowjobs, I’m going to throw up in my mouth.
Straight coworker #1: That’s kind of what it’s like.
Straight coworker #2: Balls can be fun.
Gay coworker: You guys are disgusting, I’m closing my ears.
Straight coworker #2: But they’re so cute! You can tickle them.
Gay coworker: I don’t understand why they have to be visible. Ours our the inside and hidden. I don’t need to see your baby sacs.
Straight coworker #1: I just want to play with them.
Straight coworker #2: The other day, on my friend’s birthday, him and another guy got up and went to the bathroom together. They were getting a blumpkin.
Gay coworker: What the hell is a blumpkin?
Straight coworker #3: Getting a blowjob on your birthday while taking a shit.
Straight coworker #2: We should make bracelets that say “WSLS.“
Gay coworker: What?
Straight coworker #2: What smells like shit?
Straight coworker #1: Brian would wear that.

McKinney, Texas

Next: Detailed Installation Instructions

Old female: Hey, do you have a pad or sumthin?
Young female: No, I have some tampons in my drawer, just in case. Do you want one?
Old female: Oh, well, I don’t know. I don’t like tampons, cuz I tend to leak a lot. Yuh know?
Young female: I’m sorry, that’s all I have.
Old female: Well, do you think Becky has a pad?
Young female: I have no idea, because I’ve never had to ask her for one.
Old female: Oh, well I’d have figured you’d have discussed that on a daily basis. Well, I guess I’ll go ahead and take a tampon, if that’s okay. Are you sure you don’t mind?
Young female: I’m sure. Emergencies happen. It’s yours.
Old female: It just means I’m still young, ya know? Hehehe, once they stop, then I’ll be old!

Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Male who wishes he were deaf

Straight Guys Will Look Right Past a Naked Man for a Glimpse Of Cleavage

Dreamy-eyed suit: I saw that Brokeback Mountain movie… Anne Hathaway’s got the most amazing breasts…
Secretary: I loved that movie!
Dreamy-eyed suit: We should put her boobs on our money. She should be naked on the $100 bill.
Secretary: No way, then nobody would spend anything.

State Office
Tampa, Florida

Overheard by: Sandy Paws

…It’s Hypnotic

Well-endowed sales manager, hopping up and down from frustration: Why the hell does this damn scanner keep jamming up? Stop eating my stuff!
Lesbian accounting rep: Holy crap, stop it! Stop bouncing! I’ll fix it, just stop bouncing for fuck’s sake!

Fort Mill, South Carolina

Best. Employee. Ever.

Worker #1: I can’t believe she is going to be our boss. I am going to kill myself!
Worker #2: Now?!
Worker #1: Not *right* now. I am going to finish my work at 4:30.

Manhattan, New York

Wait– You’d Totally Wade through a Sea Of Angry Cats?

Legal receptionist: I would like to offer you the benefit of my new found wisdom and advise you on something you should never do.
Law clerk: What’s that?
Legal receptionist: Never, after you have decided you are dissatisfied with the performance of your exfoliating body cream and scrubby sponge thingy, decide to replace said scrubby thingy with your pumice stone. I did this a week ago and my legs still look like I went wading through a sea of angry cats yesterday.
Law clerk: That is totally something I would do so actually, so thanks!
Legal receptionist: At least, don’t do it if you are planing on wearing a skirt anytime in the next month. I’m pretty sure no one will believe that it’s part of the pattern on your tights.

Leesburg, Virginia

How About If I Point and Grunt While You Click?

Department head: I have a presentation that I’ll need to listen to on Thursday, but I don’t think the sound works on my computer. I have speakers, and the green light is on, but I never hear anything.
IT guy: You probably just need to adjust the volume level on your computer.
Department head, shaking his head: That sounds too technical for me.

Greenfield, Indiana