Archive for April, 2012

These Are My Fat Pants, Too

Cowork­er, re­turn­ing from lunch: If you hear some­thing bust­ing over here, it’s prob­a­bly my pants.

Cham­paign, Illi­nois

To Be Clear, It Does­n’t Have to Be On Your Birth­day

Gay cowork­er #1 : Don’t talk about blowjobs, I’m go­ing to throw up in my mouth.
Straight cowork­er #1: That’s kind of what it’s like.
Straight cowork­er #2: Balls can be fun.
Gay cowork­er: You guys are dis­gust­ing, I’m clos­ing my ears.
Straight cowork­er #2: But they’re so cute! You can tick­le them.
Gay cowork­er: I don’t un­der­stand why they have to be vis­i­ble. Ours our the in­side and hid­den. I don’t need to see your ba­by sacs.
Straight cowork­er #1: I just want to play with them.
Straight cowork­er #2: The oth­er day, on my friend’s birth­day, him and an­oth­er guy got up and went to the bath­room to­geth­er. They were get­ting a blump­kin.
Gay cowork­er: What the hell is a blump­kin?
Straight cowork­er #3: Get­ting a blowjob on your birth­day while tak­ing a shit.
Straight cowork­er #2: We should make bracelets that say “WSLS.“
Gay cowork­er: What?
Straight cowork­er #2: What smells like shit?
Straight cowork­er #1: Bri­an would wear that.

McK­in­ney, Texas

Next: De­tailed In­stal­la­tion In­struc­tions

Old fe­male: Hey, do you have a pad or sumthin?
Young fe­male: No, I have some tam­pons in my draw­er, just in case. Do you want one?
Old fe­male: Oh, well, I don’t know. I don’t like tam­pons, cuz I tend to leak a lot. Yuh know?
Young fe­male: I’m sor­ry, that’s all I have.
Old fe­male: Well, do you think Becky has a pad?
Young fe­male: I have no idea, be­cause I’ve nev­er had to ask her for one.
Old fe­male: Oh, well I’d have fig­ured you’d have dis­cussed that on a dai­ly ba­sis. Well, I guess I’ll go ahead and take a tam­pon, if that’s okay. Are you sure you don’t mind?
Young fe­male: I’m sure. Emer­gen­cies hap­pen. It’s yours.
Old fe­male: It just means I’m still young, ya know? Hehe­he, once they stop, then I’ll be old!

Ba­ton Rouge, Louisiana

Over­heard by: Male who wish­es he were deaf

Straight Guys Will Look Right Past a Naked Man for a Glimpse Of Cleav­age

Dreamy-eyed suit: I saw that Broke­back Moun­tain movie… Anne Hath­away’s got the most amaz­ing breasts…
Sec­re­tary: I loved that movie!
Dreamy-eyed suit: We should put her boobs on our mon­ey. She should be naked on the $100 bill.
Sec­re­tary: No way, then no­body would spend any­thing.

State Of­fice
Tam­pa, Flori­da

Over­heard by: Sandy Paws

…It’s Hyp­not­ic

Well-en­dowed sales man­ag­er, hop­ping up and down from frus­tra­tion: Why the hell does this damn scan­ner keep jam­ming up? Stop eat­ing my stuff!
Les­bian ac­count­ing rep: Holy crap, stop it! Stop bounc­ing! I’ll fix it, just stop bounc­ing for fuck­’s sake!

Fort Mill, South Car­oli­na

Best. Em­ploy­ee. Ever.

Work­er #1: I can’t be­lieve she is go­ing to be our boss. I am go­ing to kill my­self!
Work­er #2: Now?!
Work­er #1: Not *right* now. I am go­ing to fin­ish my work at 4:30.

Man­hat­tan, New York

Wait– You’d To­tal­ly Wade through a Sea Of An­gry Cats?

Le­gal re­cep­tion­ist: I would like to of­fer you the ben­e­fit of my new found wis­dom and ad­vise you on some­thing you should nev­er do.
Law clerk: What’s that?
Le­gal re­cep­tion­ist: Nev­er, af­ter you have de­cid­ed you are dis­sat­is­fied with the per­for­mance of your ex­fo­li­at­ing body cream and scrub­by sponge thingy, de­cide to re­place said scrub­by thingy with your pumice stone. I did this a week ago and my legs still look like I went wad­ing through a sea of an­gry cats yes­ter­day.
Law clerk: That is to­tal­ly some­thing I would do so ac­tu­al­ly, so thanks!
Le­gal re­cep­tion­ist: At least, don’t do it if you are plan­ing on wear­ing a skirt any­time in the next month. I’m pret­ty sure no one will be­lieve that it’s part of the pat­tern on your tights.

Lees­burg, Vir­ginia

How About If I Point and Grunt While You Click?

De­part­ment head: I have a pre­sen­ta­tion that I’ll need to lis­ten to on Thurs­day, but I don’t think the sound works on my com­put­er. I have speak­ers, and the green light is on, but I nev­er hear any­thing.
IT guy: You prob­a­bly just need to ad­just the vol­ume lev­el on your com­put­er.
De­part­ment head, shak­ing his head: That sounds too tech­ni­cal for me.

Green­field, In­di­ana