Singing coworker: I feel shitty! Oh so shitty!
Coworker who shares office wall: I don’t think that’s how it goes.

Bakersfield, California

Marketing assistant: If I had a dog that small I’d build him a parachute and see if he could fly.

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

Overheard by: Innocent bystander

Manager: Hey! How did the restroom go yesterday?

Middleboro, Massachusetts

Overheard by: MC

Patient, lying on exam table in the middle of a gynecological exam: Hey, is that my phone ringing?
Nurse: Uh, I think so.
Patient: Hand me my pants.
(nurse hands patient her pants)
Patient, taking cell out of pants: Hello? (pause) Oh, nothing… What are you up to?

Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Vicky

Office lady: Well, sure I’ve purchased meat off the back of a truck, but these guys were selling lobsters! That’s just weird.

Burlington, Massachusetts

Admin to IT: I had to sharpie out my private parts.

Portland, Oregon

Coworker #1: Her shoes are so loud! They’re annoying the crap out of me.
Coworker #2: Everything attached to those shoes annoys me.

Springfield, Massachusetts

Accountant: After pushing really hard and screwing with it for five minutes, I asked Sue* if I could cuss now. So, I went up to Liz* and asked “did you get your fucking nuts?“
Admin: Did she?
Accountant: Yes, Tim* pulled them out with his man hands.

Dallas, Texas

Boss, about recent meeting: I don’t think anybody has anybody else by the balls.

Las Colinas, Texas

Office lady: And then you can check your code changes into the suppository.
Manager: “suppository?“
Office lady, after blinking for a few seconds: Oh god, repository. (pause) The repository. Ugh.

Los Angeles, California