Archive for 2011

You Don’t See East­ern Eu­ro­pean Women Bang­ing in­to Ta­bles

Cowork­er #1, af­ter bang­ing in­to side of ta­ble while round­ing the cor­ner: You know what, if I had whiskers, I would­n’t have this prob­lem. Cats have whiskers and that’s how they know they can fit in­to some­where. They use it to bal­ance. If I had whiskers, I would know if I could fit around this space and not bang in­to any­thing! My cats have bal­ance. Whiskers would make me bal­anced.
Cowork­er #2, laugh­ing: Yeah, whiskers would solve the prob­lem.

Man­hat­tan, New York


Might Be Some ‘Roids, Though

Of­fice guy #1: There is no “i” in team.
Of­fice guy #2, im­per­son­at­ing Bar­ry Bonds: There is no “team” in Bar­ry.

San Jose, Cal­i­for­nia


He Stayed Where We Put Him and No­body New Died

Guy go­ing up el­e­va­tor, af­ter sev­er­al passed floors of si­lence: And they did have an open cas­ket fu­ner­al.
Girl: How’d that go?
Guy: Okay, I guess.

Pasade­na, Cal­i­for­nia


Like Gan­dalf’s Sleeve

Stu­dent Work­er #1: Re­mem­ber the time Daniel* slept with a 38-year-old woman?
Stu­dent Work­er #2: How old were you?
Daniel*: 20-ish
Stu­dent Work­er #1: Was­n’t that re­al­ly… well, flap­py and loose?

Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Miss Mandy


The Wit­ness Is In­struct­ed to An­swer the Ques­tion

Cowork­er #1: So we have to guess the celebri­ty you saw?
Cowork­er #2: He al­ready told me.
Sales guy: I haven’t seen any of the movies he’s in…
Cowork­er #2: You haven’t? I’ve seen one.
Cowork­er #1: Okay, tell me just one of the movies.
Sales guy: Have you seen the an­i­mat­ed movie of Hansel and Gre­tel?
Cowork­er #1: What! (pause) Ugh… Okay, okay… Wait, have YOU seen this an­i­mat­ed movie of Hansel and Gre­tel?
Sales guy: Well, I’m ask­ing YOU if YOU’VE seen it.
Coworker#1: This is mad­ness.…

Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na


He’s Still on Hold

Cowork­er: I kept wait­ing for him to hang up on me. I gave him sev­er­al op­por­tu­ni­ties.

North Dako­ta