Archive for 2011

Not Pay­ing At­ten­tion Is the On­ly Way to Get Through Them, Any­way

Agent #1: Is that Har­ry Pot­ter on your note­book?
Agent #2: Yeah, I was just writ­ing in it.
Agent #1: I read one of the Har­ry Pot­ter books. It was to­tal­ly de­mon­ic.
Agent #2: Re­al­ly? What was the sto­ry about?
Agent #1: I don’t know. I was­n’t pay­ing at­ten­tion.

San Diego, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: Tonks


Just Like Be­ing Qual­i­fied To Teach

Pro­fes­sor: Be­ing safe is like be­ing preg­nant, ei­ther you are or you aren’t.

North­east­ern Uni­ver­si­ty
Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

Over­heard by: PT Stu­dent


Com­par­i­son Shop­ping With Dad

50-some­thing man: I just don’t know. I just think un­der­wire is so un­com­fort­able.
20-some­thing woman: It’s not re­al­ly that bad. But what I’m re­al­ly look­ing for is some­thing sheer and lacey, but not black. I don’t care if it has un­der­wire or not. I was think­ing I might have to go to the Hus­tler store.
50-some­thing man: Well, I would­n’t get any­thing from Hus­tler un­less you ab­solute­ly have to. Did you try Fred­er­ick­’s of Hol­ly­wood? I can al­ways find stuff there.

Cincin­nati, Ohio


Now can you quote me a price on those dirty deeds?

Of­fice man­ag­er: You don’t like Zep­pelin?
As­sis­tant: Nope, i nev­er got in­to Zep­pelin…
Of­fice man­ag­er: You did­n’t do drugs, that’s why.
(pause)
Of­fice man­ag­er: What about AC/DC?
As­sis­tant: I like AC/DC.
Of­fice man­ag­er: You got­ta like AC/DC. If you are white, you got­ta like them. If you don’t, it’s just wrong.

Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na


Ger­man, Jew­ish, or Both? Dis­cuss.

Re­cep­tion­ist to caller: Ha­ha, you mean eee-been-Stein­er? I’ll put you through.
Re­cep­tion­ist to cowork­er: I just had some­one call ask­ing for a Mr Ef­fen­heimer.

Min­neapo­lis, Min­neso­ta


Why Mar­ried Men Weep Alone at Night, When No One Sees

Nurse #1: Oh my God! Sue’s get­ting mar­ried. I can tell she’s re­al­ly hap­py. I’ve nev­er seen her smile so much.
Nurse #2: Yeah, I know. She knows she’ll nev­er have to give an­oth­er blowjob again.
Nurse #1, laugh­ing: Hey that’s fun­ny. Gee… I can’t wait to get mar­ried!

New­cas­tle
Aus­tralia

Over­heard by: Nurse