Archive for 2011

Poor Mel Gib­son

Em­ploy­ee #1: This old fart is so de­vi­ous and evil that if you lock him up alone in the room he would curse his own self.
Em­ploy­ee #2: Shit, if he was the on­ly per­son left on this earth he would start build­ing con­spir­a­cies with his own balls, try­ing to an­tag­o­nize his lefty against the righty.

Win­ches­ter, Vir­ginia

…What’s Gonna Hap­pen to My Gmail Ac­count?

Stu­dent girl #1: Did you know the gov­ern­ment is shut­ting down?
Stu­dent girl #2: I don’t pay at­ten­tion to pol­i­tics.
Stu­dent girl #1: I heard about it on Face­book. They owe, like, bil­lions of dol­lars. And now, like, if you’re a mail­man, you’re not gonna get paid.
Stu­dent girl #2: Man, that sucks.

Loy­ola Uni­ver­si­ty
Mary­land

Over­heard by: How the hell did they get in­to this school?!

…And You’re To­tal­ly Ru­in­ing My Buzz.

Claims ad­juster: Sir, in­sur­ance com­pa­nies just don’t work like that. (pause) We can’t let the body shop do what­ev­er they want. They have to fol­low an es­ti­mate. (pause) Sir. (pause) Well, did­n’t you just say the shop was full of liars and drug­gies? (pause) Sir, I’m try­ing to help you get your car fixed, but you keep call­ing us drug­gies and say­ing that god is go­ing to smite us.

Brent­wood, Ten­nessee

Over­heard by: I should­n’t have skipped church yes­ter­day