Archive for 2011

Stu­pid Di­ver­si­ty

Chris­t­ian col­league: You’re a good Chris­t­ian. Wait, is Jew­ish Chris­t­ian?
Jew­ish col­league: No.
Chris­t­ian col­league: Well, you’re a good per­son.

Cher­ry Hill, New Jer­sey


I Thought Bud­dy Hol­ly Was Weez­er?

Cowork­er #1: You don’t know who Bud­dy Hol­ly is?
Cowork­er #2: No.
Cowork­er #1: “Pret­ty Woman”?
Cowork­er #2: I thought that was Richard Gere.

Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton


Which Hole Do You Plan to Put It In, Miss?

Phar­ma­cist: Can I help you?
Girl: Yes. I’m look­ing for a vi­t­a­min but I for­got the name of it. Al­so, it may not be a vi­t­a­min.
Phar­ma­cist: Ok…

Toron­to
Cana­dia


So How Do You Get Preg­nant, Any­way?

Of­fice girl #1: Your body can burn like 5000 calo­ries from breast­feed­ing in a day.
Of­fice girl #2: Oh, wow! Can you like breast­feed even if you don’t have a ba­by? That would be a great way to burn calo­ries!
Of­fice girl #1: Yeah, not sure you would want to… Your boobs will get re­al­ly big, and you are al­ready big enough.
Of­fice girl #2: Why do they get so big?
Of­fice girl #1: Be­cause they are full of milk!

Den­ver, Col­orado


It’s Cute How You Think That’s an In­sult

90-some­thing man to mid­dle-aged woman: If I were a male pros­ti­tute, I would­n’t ac­cept him as a client. I’d send him a dil­do, some bat­ter­ies, and say “have at it”.

Lees­burg, Vir­ginia


Hence the Nose­bleed

Em­ploy­ee #1: I don’t un­der­stand how ty­ing a string on your fin­ger helps you re­mem­ber stuff. It’s not like that thing is go­ing to stay on all day.
Em­ploy­ee #2: I know, I stick my fin­ger in a lot things through­out the day…

Den­ver, Col­orado

Over­heard by: Keep your hands to your­self…


My Wife Says She Loves It

Cowork­er, yelling across en­tire of­fice: Does any­one want the rest of my lit­tle sausage?

At­lanta, Geor­gia


This Econ­o­my’s the Pits.

Se­nior part­ner to new part­ner: So. Two box­es of fucked-up cher­ries was our fee? What the fuck?

Port­land, Ore­gon