Archive for December, 2011

So How Do You Get Pregnant, Anyway?

Office girl #1: Your body can burn like 5000 calories from breastfeeding in a day.
Office girl #2: Oh, wow! Can you like breastfeed even if you don’t have a baby? That would be a great way to burn calories!
Office girl #1: Yeah, not sure you would want to… Your boobs will get really big, and you are already big enough.
Office girl #2: Why do they get so big?
Office girl #1: Because they are full of milk!

Denver, Colorado

It’s Cute How You Think That’s an Insult

90-something man to middle-aged woman: If I were a male prostitute, I wouldn’t accept him as a client. I’d send him a dildo, some batteries, and say “have at it”.

Leesburg, Virginia

Hence the Nosebleed

Employee #1: I don’t understand how tying a string on your finger helps you remember stuff. It’s not like that thing is going to stay on all day.
Employee #2: I know, I stick my finger in a lot things throughout the day…

Denver, Colorado

Overheard by: Keep your hands to yourself…

My Wife Says She Loves It

Coworker, yelling across entire office: Does anyone want the rest of my little sausage?

Atlanta, Georgia

This Economy’s the Pits.

Senior partner to new partner: So. Two boxes of fucked-up cherries was our fee? What the fuck?

Portland, Oregon

Humanity, in a Nutshell.

Australian guy: Yep. And then there are the guys that wanna blow-dry their balls.

Outside Fitness First

Overheard by: Sophie

Someone’s Seen Top Gun One Too Many Times.

Employee: So did you guys have a good time yesterday?
Visiting employee: Yes, it was great. But at the end your boss tried to kill me, she took me to this insanely dangerous place with all these signs saying, “falling will result in injury or drowning”. Not ‘may’ result in injury or drowning, ‘will’ result in injury or drowning! I’ve never seen a warning sign like that before!
Employee: Of course she did.
Boss: But you have to admit it is an incredibly interesting and beautiful place.
Employee: I suppose she told you that it really wasn’t that dangerous.
Boss, indignantly: No, I didn’t! I told him *exactly* how dangerous it is! It’s just that I don’t care.

Seattle, Washington

Raise Your Hand If You’d Look

Elderly but sexy office lady: Would you like to see my corset?
VP: No! I don’t want to see your corset!
Elderly office lady: But why not?
VP: That would be totally inappropriate. We don’t do that around here.
Elderly office lady: Well, we don’t have to tell anyone about it.

Greensboro, North Carolina

Overheard by: Not the receptionist