Word processor: So I had to choose between buying drugs and buying food.…
Manhattan, New York
Archive for December, 2011
Temporary Parking, That Is
Drone #1: Rock ass! No more work for [client’s name].
Drone #2: That news has no effect on the rocking of my ass… although, to be fair, it’s impossible to stop the rocking of my ass.
Drone #1: I rarely refer to your ass when I use “ass” in the standalone context unless I’m specifically talking about a parking location for gay cock.
Chicago
Illinois
Overheard by: Anony Mouse.
Free Pepsi Shit!
Coworker #1: Gak.
Coworker #2: The sound you just made was the same sound my dog Rocky makes when he’s about to ralph-up grass.
Coworker #1: Dude, I almost just died by Frito-lay.
Sheldon, Iowa
About Twice the Length of… a Dollar Bill
Lady ordering food: How big is a 12-inch pizza?
San Antonio, Texas
Everybody Loves Michael Strahan
Straight employee #1: I like these colored tootsie rolls.
Gay employee #1: I like brown tootsie rolls.
Gay employee #2: I like brown tootsie rolls too.
(laughter heard by all in office)
Gay employee #1: What’s wrong with enjoying the taste of a brown log?
Raccoon, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Dan
Whatever He Is, He Didn’t Get Into Med School
Slighted instructor-in-training, not being interviewed: Why didn’t they choose me? They shoulda been interviewing me. I’ve been here for like six years. I’m a general of this sailing center, a real veterinarian of the place. I know what I’m talking about!
Harbor
Boston, Massachusetts
Overheard by: Why do I still work with dumb kids?
He Had Biggest Hard Drive on His Floor
Computer tech: I burned enough chips in college, I’m not gonna try that again.
Manhattan, New York
Overheard by: ML
The Writers of the Final Destination Franchise Are Just Getting Downright Lazy
Customer #1: I’m getting on a plane tomorrow; wish me luck!
Customer #2: Bye.
Food Emporium, 450 Main Street
Armonk, New York
I Feel Like Running
Office manager: Hey, do you have a sharp pair of scissors?
Charlotte, North Carolina
What We Think: We Think This Was Scripted
COO, meeting colleagues at garage: I talked to the tech and he said the housings are leaking.
Sales VP: Yeah, Rob’s pissed because he says our install was bad.
COO: We’re going to have to get someone to re-seal all of that batch.
Sales VP: Which we can’t bill for. We’re going to take this one up the ass.
CEO: I’m thinking about getting a new tailpipe. What do you guys think?
Ontario
Canadia
