Word proces­sor: So I had to choose be­tween buy­ing drugs and buy­ing food.…

Man­hat­tan, New York

Drone #1: Rock ass! No more work for [clien­t’s name].
Drone #2: That news has no ef­fect on the rock­ing of my ass… al­though, to be fair, it’s im­pos­si­ble to stop the rock­ing of my ass.
Drone #1: I rarely re­fer to your ass when I use “ass” in the stand­alone con­text un­less I’m specif­i­cal­ly talk­ing about a park­ing lo­ca­tion for gay cock.

Chica­go
Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Anony Mouse.

Cowork­er #1: Gak.
Cowork­er #2: The sound you just made was the same sound my dog Rocky makes when he’s about to ralph-up grass.
Cowork­er #1: Dude, I al­most just died by Frito-lay.

Shel­don, Iowa

La­dy or­der­ing food: How big is a 12-inch piz­za?

San An­to­nio, Texas

Straight em­ploy­ee #1: I like these col­ored toot­sie rolls.
Gay em­ploy­ee #1: I like brown toot­sie rolls.
Gay em­ploy­ee #2: I like brown toot­sie rolls too.
(laugh­ter heard by all in of­fice)
Gay em­ploy­ee #1: What’s wrong with en­joy­ing the taste of a brown log?

Rac­coon, Penn­syl­va­nia

Over­heard by: Dan

Slight­ed in­struc­tor-in-train­ing, not be­ing in­ter­viewed: Why did­n’t they choose me? They shoul­da been in­ter­view­ing me. I’ve been here for like six years. I’m a gen­er­al of this sail­ing cen­ter, a re­al vet­eri­nar­i­an of the place. I know what I’m talk­ing about!

Har­bor
Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

Over­heard by: Why do I still work with dumb kids?

Com­put­er tech: I burned enough chips in col­lege, I’m not gonna try that again.

Man­hat­tan, New York

Over­heard by: ML

Cus­tomer #1: I’m get­ting on a plane to­mor­row; wish me luck!
Cus­tomer #2: Bye.

Food Em­po­ri­um, 450 Main Street
Ar­monk, New York

Of­fice man­ag­er: Hey, do you have a sharp pair of scis­sors?

Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na

COO, meet­ing col­leagues at garage: I talked to the tech and he said the hous­ings are leak­ing.
Sales VP: Yeah, Rob’s pissed be­cause he says our in­stall was bad.
COO: We’re go­ing to have to get some­one to re-seal all of that batch.
Sales VP: Which we can’t bill for. We’re go­ing to take this one up the ass.
CEO: I’m think­ing about get­ting a new tailpipe. What do you guys think?

On­tario
Cana­dia