Word processor: So I had to choose between buying drugs and buying food….

Manhattan, New York

Drone #1: Rock ass! No more work for [client's name].
Drone #2: That news has no effect on the rocking of my ass… although, to be fair, it's impossible to stop the rocking of my ass.
Drone #1: I rarely refer to your ass when I use “ass” in the standalone context unless I'm specifically talking about a parking location for gay cock.

Chicago
Illinois

Overheard by: Anony Mouse.

Coworker #1: Gak.
Coworker #2: The sound you just made was the same sound my dog Rocky makes when he's about to ralph-up grass.
Coworker #1: Dude, I almost just died by Frito-lay.

Sheldon, Iowa

Lady ordering food: How big is a 12-inch pizza?

San Antonio, Texas

Straight employee #1: I like these colored tootsie rolls.
Gay employee #1: I like brown tootsie rolls.
Gay employee #2: I like brown tootsie rolls too.
(laughter heard by all in office)
Gay employee #1: What's wrong with enjoying the taste of a brown log?

Raccoon, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: Dan

Slighted instructor-in-training, not being interviewed: Why didn't they choose me? They shoulda been interviewing me. I've been here for like six years. I'm a general of this sailing center, a real veterinarian of the place. I know what I'm talking about!

Harbor
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Why do I still work with dumb kids?

Computer tech: I burned enough chips in college, I'm not gonna try that again.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: ML

Server #1, leaving employee bathroom: It's all yours, buddy.
Server #2, entering employee bathroom: Oh my God, that's what it smells like if you eat shit and then poop it out the next day.

Indianapolis, Indiana

Overheard by: Shatmandu

Customer #1: I'm getting on a plane tomorrow; wish me luck!
Customer #2: Bye.

Food Emporium, 450 Main Street
Armonk, New York

Army Guy: My last name is Wise. I hate it when people pronounce it “Weiss”, 'cause I ain't Jewish! I'm an American!

Manhattan, Kansas

Overheard by: Emily