Cowork­er #1, af­ter bang­ing in­to side of ta­ble while round­ing the cor­ner: You know what, if I had whiskers, I would­n’t have this prob­lem. Cats have whiskers and that’s how they know they can fit in­to some­where. They use it to bal­ance. If I had whiskers, I would know if I could fit around this space and not bang in­to any­thing! My cats have bal­ance. Whiskers would make me bal­anced.
Cowork­er #2, laugh­ing: Yeah, whiskers would solve the prob­lem.

Man­hat­tan, New York

Tele­mar­keter of­fer­ing chi­ro­prac­tic vis­its: No sir, we’re not sell­ing sex­u­al fa­vors, and I don’t think they’re in­clud­ed in your vis­it.

Pomona, New York

Over­heard by: needs a new job

Of­fice guy #1: There is no “i” in team.
Of­fice guy #2, im­per­son­at­ing Bar­ry Bonds: There is no “team” in Bar­ry.

San Jose, Cal­i­for­nia

Guy go­ing up el­e­va­tor, af­ter sev­er­al passed floors of si­lence: And they did have an open cas­ket fu­ner­al.
Girl: How’d that go?
Guy: Okay, I guess.

Pasade­na, Cal­i­for­nia

PR spe­cial­ist: You know what I love about the gays? “Brunch” for them means 2 pm.

Dal­las, Texas

Over­heard by: Stacey

Stu­dent Work­er #1: Re­mem­ber the time Daniel* slept with a 38-year-old woman?
Stu­dent Work­er #2: How old were you?
Daniel*: 20-ish
Stu­dent Work­er #1: Was­n’t that re­al­ly… well, flap­py and loose?

Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Miss Mandy

Cowork­er #1: So we have to guess the celebri­ty you saw?
Cowork­er #2: He al­ready told me.
Sales guy: I haven’t seen any of the movies he’s in…
Cowork­er #2: You haven’t? I’ve seen one.
Cowork­er #1: Okay, tell me just one of the movies.
Sales guy: Have you seen the an­i­mat­ed movie of Hansel and Gre­tel?
Cowork­er #1: What! (pause) Ugh… Okay, okay… Wait, have YOU seen this an­i­mat­ed movie of Hansel and Gre­tel?
Sales guy: Well, I’m ask­ing YOU if YOU’VE seen it.
Coworker#1: This is mad­ness.…

Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na

Cowork­er: I kept wait­ing for him to hang up on me. I gave him sev­er­al op­por­tu­ni­ties.

North Dako­ta

Cowork­er #1: 75 dol­lars?! for two hours?
Cowork­er #2: I’d do al­most any­thing for 75 bucks if it on­ly took two hours.

Brook­field, Wis­con­sin

Male cowork­er: You want to split this with me?
Fe­male cowork­er: No, I can’t. I’m fast­ing this week.
Male cowork­er: Oh, you mean prac­tic­ing your anorex­ia?
Fe­male cowork­er: Um… yes.

Port­land, Ore­gon

Over­heard by: cu­a­tros