Coworker #1, after banging into side of table while rounding the corner: You know what, if I had whiskers, I wouldn't have this problem. Cats have whiskers and that's how they know they can fit into somewhere. They use it to balance. If I had whiskers, I would know if I could fit around this space and not bang into anything! My cats have balance. Whiskers would make me balanced.
Coworker #2, laughing: Yeah, whiskers would solve the problem.
Manhattan, New York
Telemarketer offering chiropractic visits: No sir, we're not selling sexual favors, and I don't think they're included in your visit.
Pomona, New York
Overheard by: needs a new job
Office guy #1: There is no “i” in team.
Office guy #2, impersonating Barry Bonds: There is no “team” in Barry.
San Jose, California
Guy going up elevator, after several passed floors of silence: And they did have an open casket funeral.
Girl: How'd that go?
Guy: Okay, I guess.
Pasadena, California
PR specialist: You know what I love about the gays? “Brunch” for them means 2 pm.
Dallas, Texas
Overheard by: Stacey
Student Worker #1: Remember the time Daniel* slept with a 38-year-old woman?
Student Worker #2: How old were you?
Daniel*: 20-ish
Student Worker #1: Wasn't that really… well, flappy and loose?
Chicago, Illinois
Overheard by: Miss Mandy
Female Medical Records clerk, in thick German accent: It's so fucking hot in here. But I used to have a problem with sweating a lot when I lived in Germany, too. I think I have too much testosterone.
Hospital
Temple, Texas
Overheard by: PuppsMcGee
Coworker #1: So we have to guess the celebrity you saw?
Coworker #2: He already told me.
Sales guy: I haven't seen any of the movies he's in…
Coworker #2: You haven't? I've seen one.
Coworker #1: Okay, tell me just one of the movies.
Sales guy: Have you seen the animated movie of Hansel and Gretel?
Coworker #1: What! (pause) Ugh… Okay, okay… Wait, have YOU seen this animated movie of Hansel and Gretel?
Sales guy: Well, I'm asking YOU if YOU'VE seen it.
Coworker#1: This is madness….
Charlotte, North Carolina
Coworker: I kept waiting for him to hang up on me. I gave him several opportunities.
North Dakota
Coworker #1: 75 dollars?! for two hours?
Coworker #2: I'd do almost anything for 75 bucks if it only took two hours.
Brookfield, Wisconsin