Administrative assistant: I just wanted to touch bases with you before I touch base with you later.

Albany, New York

Overheard by: Sean

Customer: No whipped cream on the top, please.
Barista: Would you like whipped cream anywhere else?

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Little Miss Decaf

Boss: We used to have this character come over to clean out our septic tank and he would be eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at the same time.
Coworker, pushing lunch plate away: I guess I'm through with this.

Seattle, Washington

Office guy #1: My mother was hot this morning…
Office guy #2: Funny you should say that…
Office guy #1: I mean “hot” as in mad, you lascivious bitch!

Raleigh, North Carolina

Worker: Does anybody know where the fake poop is? I want to put it on the soap dispenser in the bathroom.

St Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: is it lunchtime yet?

Paralegal: So I figured, if I wanna be a nurse, I can wash a midget.

San Francisco, California

Overheard by: melissa

Vice President: Why are you late?
Employee: Because I was fucking your daughter all night.

Laurel, Mississippi

Overheard by: Serverboy

Guy on cell: So, see, I never said nothin' to Elise*. If I was gonna say somethin' 'bout Elise, I would'a gone through Amber*. I wouldn't never say nuthin' about Elise to Amber, see. It's a respect thing. There's a process you got to go through. If I have something to say about Elise, I gotta go through Marsha*.

Richmond, Virginia

Supervisor: Geez, does she like anything?
(drone opens mouth to answer)
Supervisor: Don't answer that on the sales floor.

North Hampton, New Hampshire

Overheard by: R.T.

CSR on the phone: I need you to tell me what you want, I'm not Miss Cleo.

American Fork, Utah

Overheard by: Strife