I Usually Make Guys Stop at Second, but I Like You

Administrative assistant: I just wanted to touch bases with you before I touch base with you later.

Albany, New York

Overheard by: Sean

Why not splurge, and use the real thing? We’re worth it.

Worker: Does anybody know where the fake poop is? I want to put it on the soap dispenser in the bathroom.

St Louis, Missouri

Overheard by: is it lunchtime yet?

Note to self: Revise “open office policy”

Vice President: Why are you late?
Employee: Because I was fucking your daughter all night.

Laurel, Mississippi

Overheard by: Serverboy

Tell It to Me in the Supply Closet, Nice and Slow

Supervisor: Geez, does she like anything?
(drone opens mouth to answer)
Supervisor: Don’t answer that on the sales floor.

North Hampton, New Hampshire

Overheard by: R.T.

I’m more like a Spice Girl, circa first album

CSR on the phone: I need you to tell me what you want, I’m not Miss Cleo.

American Fork, Utah

Overheard by: Strife

Come to Think of It, I’ve Never Seen a Regular Envelope with a Korean Return Address, Either

Boss: So they’re either shipping the computer from Japan or Korea.
Intern: Japan sounds about right.
Boss: Unless it’s coming from Korea. In which case they might be strapping it to a missile and sending it over here.

Geneseo, New York

I’m Cured!

Developer #1: You smell like bacon.
Developer #2, delighted: Thank you!

Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: kerminator

It’s All Part of Their Buildup Toward CSI: Idaho

Coworker #1: Ewwww! It says here CBS is going to put laser imprints of its logo on eggs.
Coworker #2: I didn’t know CBS sold eggs.

Marblehead, Massachusetts

Overheard by: They’re going to know it was me

Wouldn’t Mind Eating Some Coq Right Now

Coworker #1: So you don’t eat chicken?
Coworker #2: Nope.
Coworker #1: What about pork?
Coworker #2: Nope.
Coworker #1: What about rooster?

Minneapolis, Minnesota

What’s worse, her trying to make a LOTR metaphor, or getting it wrong?

Copy Editor: She looked at me and it was like… Eye of Saruman.