You’ve Just Said a Mouth­ful!

Teen on cell: Well, you know … She just has that cer­tain “jism” that is so at­trac­tive.

Om­a­ha, Ne­bras­ka

Over­heard by: You Mean Mo­jo

Best Hook­er Name Ever.

Cube dweller: Come ear­ly. Bring cheese­cake.

Pen­ning­ton, New Jer­sey

Is There Some­thing on My Face?

HR to em­ploy­ee: Did you eat my muf­fin yet?

Marl­bor­ough, Mass­a­chu­setts

But at Least You Stop Hav­ing Pe­ri­ods

Pa­tient to neu­rol­o­gist, ex­it­ing ex­am­i­na­tion room: Yes, it re­al­ly makes you won­der if it’s worth it to go on, if you’re just go­ing to end up a hor­ri­ble vam­pire.

Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton

Over­heard by: so true

…Or I’ll Be As Up­set As a Ban­shee.

Of­fice la­dy #1: It’s so hot in here, I’m sweat­ing like a ban­shee.
Of­fice la­dy #2: Ban­shees scream or screech. You mean you’re sweat­ing like a pig.
Of­fice la­dy #1: Don’t call me a pig!

Worces­ter, Mass­a­chu­setts

Oh Sure, Tar­get the One Hait­ian Guy in the Of­fice

Boss: Dave*! You look like you’ve lost weight! Ever think about get­ting one of those HIV tests?

Cal­gary
Cana­dia

Some­times, When I’m in a Bad Mood, It Spits Fire.

Skin­ny teenage girl on phone to friend: So any­way, I told him he ain’t giv­ing me oral sex first thing in the morn­ing. It’s like, so gross. My vagi­na might get morn­ing breath!

Kingswood
Aus­tralia

Over­heard by: breath mints any­one?

Rachel Took Bronze at the TMI Olympics

Man­ag­er, in frus­tra­tion: I have cough drops, tea, an­tibi­otics, cough med­i­cine, and I’m even wear­ing a panty lin­er in case I cough too hard.

Lawrenceville, Geor­gia

…As George W. Bush Fa­mous­ly Said.

Cowork­er’s friend, on speak­er­phone: I do noth­ing use­ful in this or­ga­ni­za­tion, and I’m com­mit­ted to con­tin­u­ing to do just that.

Man­hat­tan, New York

If Life­time Had a Chan­nel for Men.

Male cowork­er: I’ve been an es­cort more times than I’ve re­al­ized.

Raleigh, North Car­oli­na