What San­ta Said About My Cook­ies One Year

Em­ploy­ee to in­tern: That’ll back me up for a month! I don’t want your choco­late.

Man­hat­tan, New York

Over­heard by: Choco­la­teer

And Eat Them

Em­ploy­ee: Tom*, do you want to go to lunch?
Tom*: No! I want to kill some­one!

Dublin
Ire­land

…Any­body Got a Cig­a­rette?

Of­fice hot­tie, af­ter of­fice creep­ster has poked her: Ouch! What was that for?
Of­fice creep­ster: I just al­ways won­dered what it’d be like to poke you.
Of­fice hot­tie: Oh. It did­n’t do much for me. How was it for you?
Of­fice creep­ster: Fuck­ing mag­ic!

Auck­land
New Zealand

Over­heard by: Ki­wibloke

…And the Com­bined Length Of Their Penis­es?

Male cowork­er: It’s small but mighty.
Fe­male cowork­er #1: Hey, it’s not the size that mat­ters!
Male cowork­er: You’re right, it’s the band­width!
(laugh­ter)
Fe­male cowork­er #2: We are still talk­ing about the an­a­lyt­ics de­part­ment, right?

Om­a­ha, Ne­bras­ka

Over­heard by: Mandy

There Is No Heal­ing With­out Self-Ac­cep­tance

Fe­male pe­on, ex­it­ing bath­room in dis­gust: Ugh, I hate the way my ass smells.

Man­hat­tan, New York

Over­heard by: Pu­dan­g­dang

At Least I Learned How to Make Light­bulb Na­chos

Cowork­er: With the amount of hours I spent play­ing WoW, I prob­a­bly could have grad­u­at­ed col­lege. Oh, well.

Salt Lake City, Utah

Thanks, Sesame Street!

IT guy #1, ab­sorbed in read­ing da­ta print­out: Hm­mm… Aha! 12, 13, 14.
IT guy #2, pass­ing by: Hey, you can count to 14! That’s great!
IT guy #3: And he can do it with­out tak­ing his shoes off!

Toron­to
Cana­dia

Where the Women Have Their Make-up Per­ma­nent­ly Lasered on

Mid­dle-aged cowork­er, about ap­ply­ing make­up to up­per eye­lids: I can’t do it be­cause my eyes are all squin­ty.
Young Asian cowork­er, jok­ing­ly: Yeah, me ei­ther.
Mid­dle-aged cowork­er, se­ri­ous: But that’s be­cause of where you’re from.
Male cowork­er, walk­ing in: Ox­nard?

Thou­sand Oaks, Cal­i­for­nia

I’ve Heard at Night They Roam the Neigh­bor­hood, in Search Of Soup and Lin­i­ment.

Loan of­fi­cer #1: Would­n’t a 55-and-over de­vel­op­ment have low­er mar­ket val­ue be­cause your ap­pli­cant pool is so small?
Loan of­fi­cer #2: No way, there’s a ton of old peo­ple.

East­ern Shore, Mary­land

Q5 Is Bet­ter Known As the Emp­ty Quar­ter

Client: I think we’ll need to push this to Q4 or Q5.

Seat­tle, Wash­ing­ton