What Santa Said About My Cookies One Year

Employee to intern: That'll back me up for a month! I don't want your chocolate.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Chocolateer

See, This Is Why They Pay Me the Big Bucks.

Boss, discussing chances of gaining a particular client: There's a 100% chance, it's 50/50.

Financial District
Boston, Massachusetts

And Eat Them

Employee: Tom*, do you want to go to lunch?
Tom*: No! I want to kill someone!

Dublin
Ireland

…Anybody Got a Cigarette?

Office hottie, after office creepster has poked her: Ouch! What was that for?
Office creepster: I just always wondered what it'd be like to poke you.
Office hottie: Oh. It didn't do much for me. How was it for you?
Office creepster: Fucking magic!

Auckland
New Zealand

Overheard by: Kiwibloke

…And the Combined Length Of Their Penises?

Male coworker: It's small but mighty.
Female coworker #1: Hey, it's not the size that matters!
Male coworker: You're right, it's the bandwidth!
(laughter)
Female coworker #2: We are still talking about the analytics department, right?

Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard by: Mandy

There Is No Healing Without Self-Acceptance

Female peon, exiting bathroom in disgust: Ugh, I hate the way my ass smells.

Manhattan, New York

Overheard by: Pudangdang

At Least I Learned How to Make Lightbulb Nachos

Coworker: With the amount of hours I spent playing WoW, I probably could have graduated college. Oh, well.

Salt Lake City, Utah

Thanks, Sesame Street!

IT guy #1, absorbed in reading data printout: Hmmm… Aha! 12, 13, 14.
IT guy #2, passing by: Hey, you can count to 14! That's great!
IT guy #3: And he can do it without taking his shoes off!

Toronto
Canadia

Where the Women Have Their Make-up Permanently Lasered on

Middle-aged coworker, about applying makeup to upper eyelids: I can't do it because my eyes are all squinty.
Young Asian coworker, jokingly: Yeah, me either.
Middle-aged coworker, serious: But that's because of where you're from.
Male coworker, walking in: Oxnard?

Thousand Oaks, California

I've Heard at Night They Roam the Neighborhood, in Search Of Soup and Liniment.

Loan officer #1: Wouldn't a 55-and-over development have lower market value because your applicant pool is so small?
Loan officer #2: No way, there's a ton of old people.

Eastern Shore, Maryland