Archive for May, 2009

Sor­ry About the Pot­ted Plant in the Of­fice, by the Way.

Cowork­er, on voice­mail: It start­ed yes­ter­day be­fore I left work, but it just got worse and I spent all night on the toi­let. Well, on and off the toi­let, it was com­ing out of both ends if you know what I mean. Any­way, I’ll spare you the gory de­tails. Suf­fice it to say I’m go­ing to be work­ing from home to­day. I need to lie back and re­lieve some of this pres­sure in my ab­domen.

Den­ver, Col­orado

Wait! We Did­n’t Even Tell You About the Smell.

Boss to pe­on eat­ing lunch: So my daugh­ter fi­nal­ly pooped to­day. It’s been at least a few days.
Pe­on #1, try­ing to ig­nore him: Wow. Cool.
Boss: Yeah, it was­n’t any­thing huge like the one a few days ago, but at least she’s poop­ing.
Pe­on #2: That’s great to hear. My poor daugh­ter has been at home with ex­plo­sive di­ar­rhea all week.
Pe­on #1: (toss­es bare­ly eat­en lunch in the garbage and word­less­ly walks away)

Sacra­men­to, Cal­i­for­nia

Let’s Just Say, It’s No Won­der Ms. Klum Keeps Pop­ping Out Ba­bies

Fe­male para­le­gal: Did you read that ar­ti­cle I sent you?
Aussie male cowork­er: That ain’t right.
Fe­male para­le­gal: In­deed. But 45 min­utes! That’s longer than most men last.
Aussie male cowork­er, in long-wind­ed ex­pla­na­tion: Well, 45 min­utes would be a while for coitus. But re­mem­ber that the seal was­n’t ac­tu­al­ly get­ting any. 45 min­utes is kin­da short if you in­clude fore­play…
Fe­male para­le­gal: Tsk, tsk…give the seal some cred­it.
Aussie male cowork­er: Fine. He has mod­er­ate sex­u­al sta­mi­na.
Se­nior para­le­gal: What?!

Chica­go, Illi­nois

Af­ter Fifty, Peo­ple Start En­cour­ag­ing You to Die

Clerk la­dy #1: Oh, thank you for bring­ing that up, you re­mind­ed me I have to go get my li­cense re­newed on my way home to­day.
Clerk la­dy #2: You can’t just mail it in?
Clerk la­dy #1: Well I have to ac­tu­al­ly go in be­cause I have to take an eye test be­cause it’s been ten years.
Clerk la­dy #3: Oh…you sure it’s not be­cause you’re over 50?
Clerk la­dy #1: Fuck you.

Yaphank, New York

Over­heard by: Ju­nior

Like That Time in Am­s­ter­dam

Fac­ul­ty di­rec­tor, hold­ing out ba­nana: Would you like a ba­nana?
Fe­male pro­gram co­or­di­na­tor: Uh, no thanks, I’m all set.
Fac­ul­ty di­rec­tor, hold­ing out flow­ers: Well, maybe you’d like these in­stead!
Fe­male pro­gram co­or­di­na­tor: Oh! That’s so nice of you! Aw, you’re off my bad list.
Fac­ul­ty di­rec­tor: Wow, and I thought I would get off with just the ba­nana!

Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

Over­heard by: Al­li­son


Crotch­ety su­per­vi­sor, hold­ing up print­ed copy of e‑mail: You two are com­put­er nerds. What does this mean? (points at an emoti­con)
An­a­lyst #1: It’s a smi­ley face.
Crotch­ety su­per­vi­sor, turn­ing the pa­per side­ways: Oh, I see the colon is the eyes and…what the hell is wrong with you peo­ple? (crum­ples up e‑mail and walks away)
An­a­lyst #2: Have a nice day!

Oak­land, New Jer­sey

Over­heard by: >:(

We Mean No Dis­re­spect to Our Mus­lim Read­ers, If We Have Any

Gay cowork­er #1: The new guy is cute!
Gay cowork­er #2: I know, huh? Cuter than John or Ryan.
Gay cowork­er #1: Well, I think John is still num­ber one on my list.
Gay cowork­er #2: This is why I love com­ing to work every­day.
Gay cowork­er #1: Yeaahh…me too! It’s like gay Mec­ca here!

San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

They Re­al­ly Brought Him Out Of His Shell

Man #1, dis­cussing peanut us­age in Asia: Peanuts are not na­tive to Asia! The peanut was in­vent­ed by George Wash­ing­ton Carv­er!
Man #2: That is com­plete­ly false! You can­not in­vent a peanut, you can on­ly dis­cov­er it, and that hap­pened way be­fore George Wash­ing­ton Carver…he in­vent­ed peanut but­ter.
Man #1: Lis­ten, I am not a man of pride, but I know this much: George Wash­ing­ton Carv­er was a good man and he in­vent­ed the peanut by us­ing cross-breed­ing! This is what I have been told my whole life!!
Man #3: I’m googling that busi­ness right now. (us­es Black­Ber­ry) Wow, that man was ob­sessed with peanuts!

Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

Over­heard by: Some­one clear­ly struck a cord with this top­ic