Archive for 2008

Does He Really Want to Marry Someone Who Doesn’t Drink?

Tech #1: So, my friend is going to ask his girlfriend to marry him, and he wants to secretly get her ring size.
Tech #2: Measure her finger while she’s asleep.
Tech #1: What if she doesn’t sleep very soundly? What if she wakes up and is like, ‘What’s this thing on my finger?’
Tech #2: Get her really hammered.
Tech #1: She doesn’t really drink…
Tech #3: Then just hammer her!

Grand Rapids, Michigan

Overheard by: only girl in the office

Yadda Yadda Yadda, 24-Hours Later I’m in the ER with Poultry Up My Rectum

Lawyer #1: I had a bad dream last night. I woke my wife up at 4:30 to tell her I dreamt she was having sex with a gay man.
Lawyer #2: Oh, really?
Lawyer #1: Yeah, and it really upset me. And she laughed and said she knew why I had the dream. It was because of these women’s sex discussion groups she’s been going to lately. Then she says to me, ‘Well, what was I doing? Using the drumstick or what?’
Lawyer #2: What the hell? The drumstick? What was she talkin’ about?
Lawyer #1: I know — I didn’t get it either, so I asked her, ‘What are you talking about?’ and she said, ‘Well, how exactly was I having sex with a game hen?’
Lawyer #2: [Guffaws.]Lawyer #1, chuckling: Yeah… I guess she wasn’t fully awake when I told her.

560 Mission Street
San Francisco, California

Whereas the Original Santa Was Forged by Glaciers

Old lady peon, bursting excitedly into office: I just went to the craft store and picked up some holiday window clings for my office!
Young male peon: Wow. That’s… fantastic.
Old lady peon: I’ve got Santa Claus and reindeer and snowmen and snowflakes… I asked about Hanukkah stuff, but they didn’t have any. I’m going to do this for every holiday! This is great!
Young male peon: What about Kwanzaa?
Old lady peon: Oh, no, that’s a man-made holiday.

Sacramento, California

It Has the Pictures!

[Male employee #1 offers doughnut to female employee.]

Female employee: I am not putting that into my body.
Male employee #1: That is pretty pompous.
Male employee #2: I know! You should see what she puts into her body, and how fast!
Male employee #1, after long silence: Um, so, did you see my e-mail from yesterday?

North Lamar Boulevard
Austin, Texas

Overheard by: Oh really?