Archive for 2008

Does He Re­al­ly Want to Mar­ry Some­one Who Does­n’t Drink?

Tech #1: So, my friend is go­ing to ask his girl­friend to mar­ry him, and he wants to se­cret­ly get her ring size.
Tech #2: Mea­sure her fin­ger while she’s asleep.
Tech #1: What if she does­n’t sleep very sound­ly? What if she wakes up and is like, ‘What’s this thing on my fin­ger?‘
Tech #2: Get her re­al­ly ham­mered.
Tech #1: She does­n’t re­al­ly drink…
Tech #3: Then just ham­mer her!

Grand Rapids, Michi­gan

Over­heard by: on­ly girl in the of­fice

Yad­da Yad­da Yad­da, 24-Hours Lat­er I’m in the ER with Poul­try Up My Rec­tum

Lawyer #1: I had a bad dream last night. I woke my wife up at 4:30 to tell her I dreamt she was hav­ing sex with a gay man.
Lawyer #2: Oh, re­al­ly?
Lawyer #1: Yeah, and it re­al­ly up­set me. And she laughed and said she knew why I had the dream. It was be­cause of these wom­en’s sex dis­cus­sion groups she’s been go­ing to late­ly. Then she says to me, ‘Well, what was I do­ing? Us­ing the drum­stick or what?‘
Lawyer #2: What the hell? The drum­stick? What was she talkin’ about?
Lawyer #1: I know — I did­n’t get it ei­ther, so I asked her, ‘What are you talk­ing about?’ and she said, ‘Well, how ex­act­ly was I hav­ing sex with a game hen?‘
Lawyer #2: [Guffaws.]Lawyer #1, chuck­ling: Yeah… I guess she was­n’t ful­ly awake when I told her.

560 Mis­sion Street
San Fran­cis­co, Cal­i­for­nia

Where­as the Orig­i­nal San­ta Was Forged by Glac­i­ers

Old la­dy pe­on, burst­ing ex­cit­ed­ly in­to of­fice: I just went to the craft store and picked up some hol­i­day win­dow clings for my of­fice!
Young male pe­on: Wow. That’s… fan­tas­tic.
Old la­dy pe­on: I’ve got San­ta Claus and rein­deer and snow­men and snowflakes… I asked about Hanukkah stuff, but they did­n’t have any. I’m go­ing to do this for every hol­i­day! This is great!
Young male pe­on: What about Kwan­zaa?
Old la­dy pe­on: Oh, no, that’s a man-made hol­i­day.

Sacra­men­to, Cal­i­for­nia

It Has the Pic­tures!

[Male em­ploy­ee #1 of­fers dough­nut to fe­male em­ploy­ee.]

Fe­male em­ploy­ee: I am not putting that in­to my body.
Male em­ploy­ee #1: That is pret­ty pompous.
Male em­ploy­ee #2: I know! You should see what she puts in­to her body, and how fast!
Male em­ploy­ee #1, af­ter long si­lence: Um, so, did you see my e‑mail from yes­ter­day?

North Lamar Boule­vard
Austin, Texas

Over­heard by: Oh re­al­ly?