Like My Moth­er’s Con­trol Over Me

Sal­ly*, stretch­ing her leg af­ter work­ing out: It’s tight and painful, yet it feels so good at the same time.

Tel Aviv
Is­rael

Serves You Right for Or­der­ing a “Whis­per” of Any­thing

Em­ploy­ee re­turn­ing from Star­bucks: Your whis­per of cin­na­mon may have turned in­to a dull roar.

Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

Next Time I’ll On­ly Go to a Li­censed Masseuse

Mail­room guy #1: Man, I like, dis­lo­cat­ed two discs in my back.
Mail­room guy #2: Man, I like, dis­lo­cat­ed two balls in my pants.
(per­son near­by laughs)
Mail­room guy #2: Don’t laugh! It’s true!

Sud­bury
On­tario
Cana­dia

…How Are You at Sharp­en­ing Pen­cils?

Ad­min as­sis­tant: Can you get us these things from Star­bucks? (hands list to in­tern)
In­tern: Yeah. (paus­es, looks at list) This one says “no milk”…do you think that means fat free”?
Ad­min as­sis­tant: Uh…

W 45th
New York City, New York

Over­heard by: Ac­tu­al­ly, it said 2 per­cent.

Tiger Woods: You Ru­ined Golf for Me!

Les­bian #1: You should get a Sub­aru. Come on…join the club.
Les­bian #2: I don’t re­al­ly want a Sub­aru.
An­gry straight cowork­er: Don’t get a Sub­aru. Dude, you peo­ple take every­thing! First you take the rain­bow. Now Sub­arus! What the fuck?

Rich­mond, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: B $

As Im­mor­tal­ized in Who Un­framed Ed­die Rab­bit?

In­tern to res­i­dent artist: Is it “Hel­ga’s Pub” or “Hel­ga’s Lounge”?
Res­i­dent artist: It’s “Hel­ga’s Pub.” It stopped be­ing a lounge when they took down the pic­ture of Ed­die Rab­bit.

Broad Street
Au­gus­ta, Geor­gia

The Two Types of Em­ploy­ees: En­cap­su­lat­ed

Dumb em­ploy­ee: See, the thing about putting oil and vine­gar in­to a squeeze bot­tle is that you have to make a de­ci­sion… You ei­ther get oil, or you get vine­gar.
Smart em­ploy­ee: Shake it?
Dumb em­ploy­ee: Well…you made a fool out of me.

Port Wash­ing­ton, New York

Over­heard by: Chen­ga

And Every­one’s Been Rav­ing About Your Hard Can­dy

Cowork­er #1: You were look­ing for me ear­li­er?
Cowork­er #2: Oh, yeah, I came down to see you ear­li­er. I need­ed some­thing to suck on.

Cen­ter City
Philadel­phia, Penn­syl­va­nia

And Does­n’t Make Me Leave Im­me­di­ate­ly Af­ter He’s Done

Tech­ni­cal­ly chal­lenged la­dy #1: I like that IT guy. He does­n’t just come in, stick it in and split. He ac­tu­al­ly takes the time to ex­plain what he’s do­ing.
Tech­ni­cal­ly chal­lenged la­dy #2: Yeah, I like him be­cause tells me what goes in which hole.

San An­to­nio, Texas

Aren’t You Sup­posed to Be Or­der­ing the Wave Ma­chine?

(squeak­ing nois­es are heard from the next cu­bi­cle)
Of­fice bee #1: What is that?
Of­fice bee #2: It’s Jean. She’s blow­ing up a beach ball.
Of­fice bee #1: Oh, okay.

Glen­view, Illi­nois