Archive for 2007

Did­n’t Dick Get the Pink Slip a While Ago?

Work­er bee #1: FYI, dude, don’t email the CEO on things that don’t con­cern you. I was al­ready han­dling that with Dick.
Work­er bee #2: I’m sor­ry, did some­thing hap­pen?
Work­er bee #1: Yeah, he flipped out! You just missed my ass get­ting to­tal­ly reamed out by Dick! [Long pause.] Did I just say what I thi–
Work­er bee #2: –Yeah, you did.
Work­er bee #1: Fuck! I’m call­ing him Richard from now on!

Tysons Cor­ner, Vir­ginia

More of a Tax Shel­ter with a Po­lice Force

Physics teacher: How thick do you think a steel pole would have to be that con­nect­ed the Earth and the moon if there were no more grav­i­ty?
Stu­dent #1: 10 inch­es?
Stu­dent #2: Five miles?
Stu­dent #3: No, way big­ger than that.
Physics teacher: It would be about the size of the state of New York.
Stu­dent #1: Damn.
Stu­dent #2: Ha! I was right!
Stu­dent #3: You think that New York is five miles across?!
Stu­dent #2: Okay, that’s more like Delaware-sized. Is Delaware even a state?

Sta­ples High School
West­port, Con­necti­cut

Wrong on So Many Lev­els

Male law stu­dent #1: In cham­bers the judge said that as soon as those guys get to prison some­body is go­ing to make them their bitch.
Male law stu­dent #2: So he said they’d pret­ty much be full-on ass-raped? Just like that?
Male law stu­dent #1: Yeah, pret­ty much.
Male law stu­dent #2: God, that’d be hor­ri­ble.
Fe­male law stu­dent #1: Un­less you were gay. Then it’d be like heav­en!

Sacra­men­to, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: At­taboy Finch

Fri­day: Treat Crabs

Guy #1: How was your meet­ing?
Guy #2: Short and sweet — I have ab­solute­ly no ac­tion items, ex­cept for one.

2141 Rose­crans Av­enue
El Se­gun­do, Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: they think my iPod is on

I Just Call Ran­dom Num­bers to Keep Peo­ple on the Lev­el

Guy on phone: You got­ta fuckin’ tone it down, dude. I’m a fuckin’ sales­man, and I’m tellin’ you, you got­ta fuckin’ tone it down. I like you. I’m tellin’ you this be­cause I like you.
Guy on speak­er: Thanks.
Guy on phone: But you got­ta fuckin’ tone it down.
Guy on speak­er: Could you please tell me what this is in re­gards to?

Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

Here You Go. I’m Go­ing to Launch Now, Okay?

As­sis­tant: I made the reser­va­tions for you. Give me a minute and I’ll get you the bal­lis­tics.
Boss: Bal­lis­tics?
As­sis­tant: Yeah, the bal­lis­tics — your flight arrange­ments and your ho­tel con­fir­ma­tion. You know, the bal­lis­tics!

39th Street and 8th Av­enue
New York, New York

Over­heard by: I can’t be­lieve I hired her