Archive for 2007

Dr. Seuss Suc­cess­ful­ly Split the Dif­fer­ence

Yup­pie girl: I found a tur­tle over the week­end. I put it in my back­yard.
Flakey girl: What did you call it?
Yup­pie girl: Myr­tle.
Flakey girl: Is it fer­tile?
Yup­pie girl: Is it what?
Flakey girl: Is it fer-tile? I was rhyming…
Yup­pie girl: No, it’s a tur­tle.
Flakey girl: Myr­tle, the fer­tile tur­tle.
Yup­pie girl: You’re like Phoebe of Friends.
Flakey girl: You’re like Ross.

St. Kil­da Road

Why the New York-Ohio Work­er Ex­change Pro­gram Fell Apart

El­der­ly cus­tomer: I’d al­so like a two-liter of Coke.
20-some­thing cashier, smil­ing: Cer­tain­ly.
El­der­ly cus­tomer: You know, I re­al­ly like your de­meanor and at­ti­tude.
20-some­thing cashier: Up yours, old man.
El­der­ly cus­tomer: [Stunned silence.]20-something cashier: Have a nice day!

6780 Goshen Road
Goshen, Ohio

Over­heard by: De­liv­ery Ex­pert

But Now, of Course, There’s a Man­u­al

CEO on sales pitch: When busi­ness­es first start­ed cre­at­ing web pages on the in­ter­net, it was kind of like hav­ing sex with your daugh­ter — every­one was talk­ing about it, but no­body re­al­ly knew what they were do­ing.
Prospec­tive client: Well… My daugh­ter is eight, so I don’t think she’s hav­ing sex with any­body.

8737 Colesville Road
Sil­ver Spring, Mary­land

Dream On!

Suit #1 with back­pack: I’ll just be a minute — I got­ta go to the men’s room to take a squirt.
Suit #2: Want me to hold your bag while you go?
Suit #1: I hope no­body heard that.

32nd Street
Jer­sey City, New Jer­sey

Over­heard by: Hobo Whis­per­er

The Cus­tomer Is Al­ways Right

Old guy: Small fish and chips.
Ital­ian ven­dor: The fish aren’t ready — 10 min­utes.
Old guy: What? I’m very deaf.
Ital­ian ven­dor: The fish aren’t ready — 10 min­utes!
Old guy: What? I can’t hear you.
Ital­ian ven­dor: No fish! Have a look here [points to oth­er menu items].
Old guy: I can’t see so well. Just get me a fish and chips.
Ital­ian ven­dor: No fish!
Old guy: Why are you talk­ing to me?! I can’t hear well! Just get me a fish.
Ital­ian ven­dor: No fish!
Old guy: Are you stu­pid? I’m deaf and near­ly blind, just get me a fish and chips! God, you’d think you did­n’t have any fish!

Ed­in­burgh, Scot­land
Unit­ed King­dom