Archive for September, 2007

Have You Considered Beating Him?

Peon #1, about son: Yeah, so he’s just at that age where he’s throwing things around now. I mean, he’ll grow out of it, but it’s annoying replacing his dummy every time he throws it away.
Peon #2: How old is he?
Peon #1: Twenty-three.

Clarendon Street
East Melbourne, Victoria

I’m Tired of Dating Doughboys

Jersey office girl: Hey, my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: Dumpling?
Jersey office girl: Yeah! You’re my little dumpling!
Russian office girl: A dumpling is not so nice. I’d rather be a bread stick.

West 28th Street
New York, New York

He’s Still Not Welcome at the Picnic

Woman, about her boyfriend: He doesn’t just shit on the bathroom floor of any restaurant. He only does it when he’s upset about the food or service. And he wouldn’t do it anywhere really nice — just at places like Arby’s or whatever.

Highway 55
Minneapolis, Minnesota

The Red Menace Never Sleeps

20-ish female associate: Yeah, and you should see her hair! She dyed it red.
20-ish male associate: Really? How red? Like, Netflix-red?
20-ish female associate: No! Worse than that. Like Tandoori chicken-red!
Middle-aged male associate: Wait, wait, wait — what on Earth are you two talking about? What ever happened to fire engine-red and candy apple-red? [Met with silent, blank stares, then waves his hand in disdain] Bah! You kids nowadays are all freaks!

Ann Arbor, Michigan

Similar to Me

Office weirdo: Most people don’t realize that mermaids actually have sharp teeth — similar to a shark. They also eat fish… So they have really bad breath.

Washington, DC