Al­though Os­teo­poro­sis Is a Close Sec­ond

Cowork­er #1: I won­der who’ll get the Pfiz­er ac­count…
Cowork­er #2: I hope I do! I love read­ing about erec­tions!

Fort Point
Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

It’s a Free-Range Of­fice

Client: Is it North or South of Route 24?
Man­ag­er: Well, that de­pends on where you’re com­ing from.
Client: Oh, re­al­ly? How does that work?

Hunt­ing­ton, New York

He Sent Pic­tures, See?

As­sis­tant check­ing weath­er on­line: Ohhh! Derek* got 12 inch­es yes­ter­day!
Cube rat: I’m sor­ry, what did you say?
As­sis­tant: He got 12 inch­es!

8220 Eng­land Street
Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na

I’m Way Bet­ter at It Than Jack Is

Cowork­er: Don’t close my door. Jack* and I like to com­mu­ni­cate.
Jack: What’d you say?

Williams­burg, Vir­ginia

Un­like These Am­mu­ni­tion Rounds, Which Are To­tal­ly Still Live

X‑ray ma­chine at­ten­dant, pick­ing stuffed pan­da up off belt: This one’s dead… He did­n’t make it through the ma­chine.

Air­port
Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia

In Fair­ness, the Hang­er Had One of Those Foam Cov­ers

So­cial work­er: Hon­est­ly, what par­ent in their right mind hands a tod­dler who is just learn­ing to walk a wire hang­er as a chew toy in good­will and thinks it’s a good idea?

Med­ical Cen­ter
Salt Lake City, Utah

Over­heard by: makin a dif­fer­ence

Avast, Ye Lub­ber!

Lieu­tenant: You work for a law en­force­ment agency, not a pi­rate ship!
Em­ploy­ee with side­burns: Sir?

Colum­bus Av­enue
Boston, Mass­a­chu­setts

The Art of the Blue Job

Paint­ing pro­fes­sor: I paint for peo­ple who look at art. Like, my mom will look at this and go, ‘Oh, I like the blue.’ And I don’t have to ex­plain to my moth­er that this is ac­tu­al­ly about some weird sex thing I did.

Prov­i­dence, Rhode Is­land

When Good Deeds Be­come Ca­reer-Lim­it­ing

HR clerk: Ex­cuse me, ma’am, but it ap­pears that you have some­thing stuck in your panty­hose on your left leg.
Vis­it­ing man­ager’s wife: I’m not wear­ing panty­hose!

5760 East High­way 80
Pearl, Mis­sis­sip­pi

Over­heard by: Brain Danc­ing

But at Least You’ve Stopped Throw­ing Your Cat Up in­to Trees

Sci­en­tist at desk to tech in lab: Just be­cause you want to see hot fire­men does­n’t mean you have to set off the alarm!

20925 Cross­roads Cir­cle
Wauke­sha, Wis­con­sin