Curiously Deadly

Office drone: If we die it’ll be because of those Altoids.

3229 East Spring Street
Los Angeles, California

The Rest of Us Will Handle the Undertaking

Action officer: It’s just not the most important undertaking we have, so I’m not going to kill myself to get it done.
Admin assistant: I disagree. I always think you should kill yourself.

Pentagon, 1490 Boundary Channel Drive
Arlington, Virginia

Overheard by: Propagandist

Explain Penguins, Then, Brainiac

Ghetto girl: I don’t give a damn! It’s too cold to be cute!

50 Hurt Plaza
Atlanta, Georgia

Overheard by: Adamn

And Not All of Our Patrons Can Read

Diner: Why is it that whenever ‘sour cream’ appears on your menu, it has an asterisk beside it?
Waiter, condescendingly: Because those dishes have sour cream in them.

800 Block, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Maryland

Overheard by: Doctor Whom

My Job Is to Escalate the Confrontation

Angry customer: [Inaudible over phone.]Employee: I apologize, sir. I understand your frusteration.
Angry customer: Why do you keep calling me ‘sir’?
Employee: Oh! Ma’am. I apologize.

Scottsdale, Arizona

Unfortunately, Mick Jagger Said He’d Only Sign Breasts

Coworker #1: Good morning!
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls?
Coworker #1: What?
Coworker #2: Did you get the balls? The signed balls? Because it’ll be really bad if you didn’t!

55 Water Street
New York, New York

Overheard by: Why do I work here?

My God, They Could Breed!

Engineer #1: What’s up? Where have you been the last couple of days?
Engineer #2: I threw my back out from wearing armor all day Sunday.
Engineer #1: Bummer. Plate mail is tough on your back. I usually wear a heating pad under it.

Commercial Street
Manchester, New Hampshire

I Wouldn’t Put That Off

Cajun: Now I’m thinking about filling the giant jar of babies I have with formaldehyde.

Goodwood Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana

Overheard by: Booyakish

You’re Just Too Macho to Say ‘I Love Her’

Guy #1: She was hurt pretty bad in a car wreck a few years ago. She told me she hurt her knee, her back, and her brain.
Guy #2: Wait… So you have been pursuing a girl that has brain damage?
Guy #1: Hey, her vagina works.

571 South Floyd Street
Louisville, Kentucky

At Rehearsals for the New Mary Kay Letourneau Musical

Consultant: Pedophiles? Is that my cue?

175 South 3rd Street
Columbus, Ohio