Cu­ri­ous­ly Dead­ly

Of­fice drone: If we die it’ll be be­cause of those Al­toids.

3229 East Spring Street
Los An­ge­les, Cal­i­for­nia

The Rest of Us Will Han­dle the Un­der­tak­ing

Ac­tion of­fi­cer: It’s just not the most im­por­tant un­der­tak­ing we have, so I’m not go­ing to kill my­self to get it done.
Ad­min as­sis­tant: I dis­agree. I al­ways think you should kill your­self.

Pen­ta­gon, 1490 Bound­ary Chan­nel Dri­ve
Ar­ling­ton, Vir­ginia

Over­heard by: Pro­pa­gan­dist

Ex­plain Pen­guins, Then, Braini­ac

Ghet­to girl: I don’t give a damn! It’s too cold to be cute!

50 Hurt Plaza
At­lanta, Geor­gia

Over­heard by: Adamn

And Not All of Our Pa­trons Can Read

Din­er: Why is it that when­ev­er ‘sour cream’ ap­pears on your menu, it has an as­ter­isk be­side it?
Wait­er, con­de­scend­ing­ly: Be­cause those dish­es have sour cream in them.

800 Block, Rockville Pike
Rockville, Mary­land

Over­heard by: Doc­tor Whom

My Job Is to Es­ca­late the Con­fronta­tion

An­gry cus­tomer: [In­audi­ble over phone.]Employee: I apol­o­gize, sir. I un­der­stand your fruster­a­tion.
An­gry cus­tomer: Why do you keep call­ing me ‘sir’?
Em­ploy­ee: Oh! Ma’am. I apol­o­gize.

Scotts­dale, Ari­zona

Un­for­tu­nate­ly, Mick Jag­ger Said He’d On­ly Sign Breasts

Cowork­er #1: Good morn­ing!
Cowork­er #2: Did you get the balls?
Cowork­er #1: What?
Cowork­er #2: Did you get the balls? The signed balls? Be­cause it’ll be re­al­ly bad if you did­n’t!

55 Wa­ter Street
New York, New York

Over­heard by: Why do I work here?

My God, They Could Breed!

En­gi­neer #1: What’s up? Where have you been the last cou­ple of days?
En­gi­neer #2: I threw my back out from wear­ing ar­mor all day Sun­day.
En­gi­neer #1: Bum­mer. Plate mail is tough on your back. I usu­al­ly wear a heat­ing pad un­der it.

Com­mer­cial Street
Man­ches­ter, New Hamp­shire

You’re Just Too Ma­cho to Say ‘I Love Her’

Guy #1: She was hurt pret­ty bad in a car wreck a few years ago. She told me she hurt her knee, her back, and her brain.
Guy #2: Wait… So you have been pur­su­ing a girl that has brain dam­age?
Guy #1: Hey, her vagi­na works.

571 South Floyd Street
Louisville, Ken­tucky

At Re­hearsals for the New Mary Kay Le­tourneau Mu­si­cal

Con­sul­tant: Pe­dophiles? Is that my cue?

175 South 3rd Street
Colum­bus, Ohio

I Give Them a Year, Tops

Di­rec­tor of sales and mar­ket­ing ba­by-talk­ing and hug­ging his iBook: Some day you’re go­ing to be a di­nosaur and no one is go­ing to like you! But not me! No, I love you, lit­tle iBook.

401 West Claren­don Av­enue
Phoenix, Ari­zona

Over­heard by: reser­va­tions mon­ster