Archive for 2006

Michael Milken’s Up to His Old Tricks

Ex­ec steals Nu­tri-Grain Bar from CEO.

CEO: Give that back!
Ex­ec: No.
CEO, cor­ner­ing ex­ec and push­ing him against the wall: Give that to me; that’s my Nu­tri-Grain!
Ex­ec: You aren’t get­ting it back.
CEO: That’s steal­ing, man!
Ex­ec: Buy some more! You’ve got the mon­ey!
CEO, re­leas­ing ex­ec: You’re a re­al class act, man.

Ex­ec un­wraps and eats Nu­tri-Grain Bar.

5200 Dix­ie Road
Toron­to, On­tario

If the Goal Is to Go Home at Five, Then You’re on the Right Track

Em­ploy­ee: Some­one just called me. They said, “Hel­lo,” and asked if I could help them be­cause they had a ques­tion. I did­n’t know what to do, so I said, “No,” and hung up. Was that okay?
Boss: I guess that’s one way of han­dling it.

US Patent and Trade­mark Of­fice
Alexan­dria, Vir­ginia

Over­heard by: Why Me?

It’s Right Next to That Note That Says You Should Give Me All Your Mon­ey

Co-Work­er #1: Hey, what bud­get num­ber should we use for this? The old one or the new one?
Co-Work­er #2: What does that email you print­ed out and pinned to your wall say?
Co-Work­er #1: It says I should use the new one.
Co-Work­er #2: Then I think you should use the new one.
Co-Work­er #1: Cool, thanks!
Co-Work­er #2: No prob­lem.

5201 Paint Branch Park­way
Col­lege Park, Mary­land

Over­heard by: i’m glad i don’t work there any­more

This Con­ver­sa­tion Has Gone Balls-Up

British em­ploy­ee: Well, this was sup­posed to be com­plet­ed by now. It looks like it’s gone all cock-up.
Amer­i­can #1: What?
British em­ploy­ee: I’m sor­ry, do you not have that phrase here?
Amer­i­can #2: In Amer­i­ca, you can’t say cock like that. I should­n’t hear you say cock.
Amer­i­can #1: We say fuck. Fucked up.
British em­ploy­ee: Ok, how’s this: Fuck off.

1 Cor­po­rate Dri­ve
Or­ange­burg, New York

Miss An­na Phy­lac­tic’s Shock­ing Lunch

Young la­dy: Are there nuts in the ap­ple wal­nut sal­ad?
Din­ing com­pan­ion, sar­cas­ti­cal­ly: No, it’s a new type of ap­ple.
Young la­dy: Good, be­cause I’m al­ler­gic to nuts, and I re­al­ly want that sal­ad.
Wait­er: Do you want the half sal­ad or the whole?

858 Tit­tabawassee Road
Sag­i­naw, Michi­gan

Over­heard by: Herodotus420