Archive for April, 2006

1PM Mak­ing Copies

Sec­re­tary: Why are these re­ports for­mat­ted so weird?
Boss: Well, be­cause the Ger­mans made them. Those Ger­mans are weird.
Sec­re­tary: Hey, now… Be care­ful, I’m Ger­man.
Boss: Uh oh, you’re not a les­bian too, are you?
Sec­re­tary: Well, I’m not re­al­ly Ger­man.

Main Street Fi­nan­cial Of­fice
East Hart­ford, Con­necti­cut

5PM That’s a Wrap

Trim mid­dle-aged Pres­i­dent: I just re­ceived my soc­cer badge in the mail.
Young re­cep­tion­ist: I can’t see you play­ing soc­cer.
Pres­i­dent: I don’t play, I ref­er­ee.
Re­cep­tion­ist: Still, I can’t see your fat ass wad­dling up and down the field.

150 Bat­son Dri­ve
Man­ches­ter, Con­necti­cut

Over­heard by: now I’m go­ing to have to an­swer the phones again

4PM Call­ing IT

Work­er: There is some­thing wrong with my com­put­er. It is re­al­ly
slow… I mean re­al­ly slow. It is like hav­ing a con­ver­sa­tion with Keanu Reeves.

26 Ar­row­smith Road
Hamil­ton, On­tario

3PM Tea Run

Ad­min #1: With­out ex­tremes, nor­mal­cy would­n’t ex­ist.
Ad­min #2: Wow, we’re get­ting heavy now.
Ad­min #3: Back from tour one day, and you’re al­ready wax­ing po­et­ic?
Ad­min #1: Wait, is­n’t that what frac­tals and Juras­sic Park are about?
Ad­min #2 & 3: What?
Ad­min #1: Ex­tremes, frac­tals and Juras­sic Park. Was­n’t any­one a nerd like me?
Ad­min #2: Um, no.

3 Lafayette Av­enue
Brook­lyn, New York

1PM Cus­tomer Vis­it

Cus­tomer: I don’t un­der­stand why you can’t keep up with pro­duc­tion.
Pro­gram man­ag­er: You aren’t fol­low­ing the rules. You are run­ning twice the dai­ly quot­ed vol­umes.
Cus­tomer: But we are still un­der the year­ly vol­umes. You just need to plan bet­ter.
Pro­gram man­ag­er: I can’t just shit ca­pac­i­ty out of my ass!

5540 Par­que In­dus­tri­al
Ciu­dad Juarez, Mex­i­co

12PM Lunch

Co-work­er #1: Ru­mor mill is churn­ing… ap­par­ent­ly some an­a­lysts have hap­py hour plans from 6–8 at a bar up­stairs from Plan­et Hol­ly­wood… $3 drinks. [John], you should be able to af­ford that af­ter sell­ing all of your earth­ly pos­ses­sions ex­cept for suit pants and a few white shirts.
[John]: From sell­ing my car I can buy 6,000 beers. So drink drink drink drink chug chug chug.
Co-work­er #2: Or you can just buy 3,000 beers and buy us fan­cy din­ner.
[John]: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 ham­sters? It’s on­ly $3.00 apiece from Pavo­nia New­port mall in Jer­sey. We’ll use the ham­sters to make fur coats… Might be patchy due to the col­or vari­a­tion of the ham­sters.
Co-work­er #2: How about 3,000 beers and 3,000 ham­sters, and we’ll make our­selves a ham­ster farm in the men’s bath­room. With­in 2 weeks, 3,000 ham­sters will in­crease ex­po­nen­tial­ly, and once we’re done sell­ing them all, we’ll have more than enough mon­ey to buy re­al fur coats.
Co-work­er #1: We could eat the ham­sters, too — a good source of pro­tein, al­so fill­ing yet not too high on the calo­rie counter. With­in six months, we can look like guys in fit­ness com­mer­cials, and mask our self-loathing with bi­ceps and frosty tips.
[John]: Ham­sters make good drink­ing bud­dies with their it­sy wee­nie beer mugs and blunt hu­mor. Let’s try not to eat them.

270 Park Av­enue
New York, New York