Archive for the ‘Violence’ Category

Can’t Wait ‘Til He Puts on the Darth Vad­er Mask and Tells the Ba­by He’s Her Fa­ther

Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I did­n’t know you were back from ma­ter­ni­ty leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yes­ter­day.
Woman #1: I saw the pic­tures you emailed. She’s adorable. I re­mem­ber you were wor­ried about la­bor. How’d it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, ac­tu­al­ly. Kind of what I ex­pect­ed. Al­though I punched my hus­band and threat­ened di­vorce dur­ing the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you se­ri­ous? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my con­trac­tions were about two min­utes apart, he got ner­vous and at­tempt­ed to dis­tract me. So he kept mak­ing that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those ro­bot things made in Re­venge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you’re talk­ing about. What a jerk! That’s so fun­ny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stom­ach and called him a bas­tard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were get­ting a di­vorce. Poor guy would­n’t even talk to the nurs­es af­ter that.

777 Eisen­how­er Park­way
Ann Ar­bor, Michi­gan

That’s Your An­swer for Every­thing

Cowork­er #1: Are you bring­ing some­thing to­mor­row?
Cowork­er #2: Yeah, but I’m not sure what. Every­one is so hard to please.
Cowork­er #1: I know. I want to make that pas­ta dish I told you about, but it has a lot of veg­eta­bles. I have to find out who likes what, and what they don’t like. It’d be eas­i­er to kill every­one in­stead.

12300 Olive Boule­vard
St. Louis, Mis­souri

Oooh, Lit­tle Cuts!

Hus­band: They have fa­ji­tas.
Wife: I don’t like or­der­ing Mex­i­can food from non-Mex­i­can restau­rants.
Hus­band: You don’t like any­thing.
Wife: I like lots of things!
Hus­band: Liar!
Wife, af­ter re­peat­ed­ly hit­ting hus­band with menu: I liked that!

Bowl­ing Green, Ken­tucky