Female coworker, about current object of infatuation: Oh…he is so cute, you have to see him. I just love him. I will bring in his mugshot.
Male coworker: He has a mugshot?
Female coworker: Yeah, but he only beats his girlfriends when he is on drugs. He is so sweet. He used to save me a seat on the bus when we were in school.
Mountville, Pennsylvania
Overheard by: Mindy
Manager: One of these days, I’m gonna stuff you with candy… I’m gonna hang you by your toes and beat you like a piñata.
Washington, DC
Frustrated employee: I’m gonna build a robot named Microchip, and it’s going to look like a microchip and it’s going to kill people.
1025 Eldorado Boulevard
Broomfield, Colorado
Overheard by: D
Boss: I wouldn’t even be able to kill myself right today. I’d screw it up.
Employee: If it makes you feel better I knocked myself unconscious this weekend.
Boss: Yeah, actually, it does.
323 East Grand River
Howell, Michigan
Overheard by: Pam Beasley
Professor #1: What’s going on out there?
Professor #2: It’s either a gang fight or a game of Red Rover.
College
West Virginia
Overheard by: Professor 3
Guy in next cube: I told her that if she came at me like that again, I’d cut her tits off… Yeah, I seriously told her that…well, I was drinking heavily.
Warren, Michigan
Overheard by: Scared for my tits
Office chick #1: Hey, I like your shoes. Are they new?
Office chick #2: Thanks. I’ve had them for a while. I just haven’t been wearing them.
Office chick #1: They’re kind of low cut.
Office dude: Yeah, I can see a lot of arch. If this was the middle east, I’d totally be raping you right now.
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: Good thing we’re in Cali.
Supervisor: Let me tell you. boy, we’re going to play Marine Corps baseball here. You play ball with me or I’ll shove the bat up your ass!
550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California
Overheard by: Oldcorps 50
Office guy: It’s for the masonic center, don’t fuck it up.
Office girl: Yeah, I hear they will cut a bitch.
Grand Rapids, Michigan
Co-worker: She is just the sweetest dog…except she likes to bite kids in the face.
625 Cherry Street
Columbia, Missouri
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist