…To Sim­u­late the Col­lege Week­end Ex­pe­ri­ence

Woman on phone: If I sign up for a cam­pus tour will I get to see the cam­pus?
Male cowork­er: Tell her we lock her in a clos­et.

Uni­ver­si­ty
East­ern Michi­gan

In­tro­duc­ing the 2006 Pro-Life Poster Gal

Woman #1: I’m preg­nant again.
Woman #2: On pur­pose?
Woman #3, sigh­ing: I need a rest from all these ass-wipes that work here. I need a lit­tle hos­pi­tal- and day­time TV R and R.

Mont­vale, New Jer­sey

Ex­act­ly the Kind of Dirty Work You Avoid on Va­ca­tion

Woman #1: How was your va­ca­tion?
Woman #2: Great!
Woman #3: You look great! Did you have fun?
Woman #2: Lots of sex, no kids, and lots of beach time.
Woman #1: You have sex on va­ca­tion?

Bergen, New Jer­sey

If It In­volves Your Bunions Again, I’m Hang­ing Up.

Cowork­er on phone: Ma’am, are you an own­er with Melvin? I can’t help you if you’re not an own­er with Melvin. Again, ma’am, I can’t help you if you’re not an own­er with Melvin. We did­n’t even book your vaca…okay, fine. Tell me your lit­tle sto­ry.

Red­mond, Wash­ing­ton

One Way to Keep Them Qui­et

Of­fice la­dy #1: I’m go­ing to a sleep-away camp for ten-year-olds this week­end.
Of­fice la­dy #2: Well, at least there will be al­co­hol.

1 Park Av­enue
New York, New York

Over­heard by: sar­cas­tro

Al­so, I Was Mark­ing My Ter­ri­to­ry.

Boss: I don’t mean to piss on your snow cone, but tak­ing a va­ca­tion day the Fri­day be­fore La­bor Day week­end is a no-go!

Port­land, Ore­gon

And I’m Run­ning Out Of Sim­i­les

Cowork­er: Man, I’ve been us­ing va­ca­tion time like a wound­ed duck.

Ti­tusvile, Flori­da

Over­heard by: Hoss

10AM Fi­nal­ize Va­ca­tions

Co-work­er #1: Where’s [Kate]?
Co-work­er #2: She’s off all week.
Co-work­er #1: I’m off Wed through Fri. What are you off?
Co-work­er #3: Her rock­er.

7000 Car­di­nal Place
Dublin, Ohio

Over­heard by: Then­odrin

The Je­suits Trans­fer the Smell to An­oth­er Dio­cese

Tour group mom #1, in stall: Is­n’t this bath­room gor­geous?
Tour group mom #2, al­so in stall: Yes! I was just think­ing that!
Tour group mom #1: The floor is so pret­ty!
Tour group mom #2: And it does­n’t smell, which is sooo im­pres­sive.

Loy­ola Uni­ver­si­ty
Bal­ti­more, Mary­land

Over­heard by: Dean’s Ad­min

4PM Call Client (Again!)

Co-work­er #1: Are you okay?
Co-work­er #2: I’m okay. But if I could slap peo­ple through the phone, oth­ers would­n’t be okay.

515 North State Street
Chica­go, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Pe­ter Gib­bons