Grandmother to toddler trying to climb out of shopping cart: If you fall on your head and break your leg, don’t come running to me.
Santee, California
Overheard by: Snickering Cashier
Archive for the ‘Threats’ Category
Pretty Picky for Somebody without Hedge Clippers
Coworker #1: So I was talking to my friend on the phone, and there was a snake in his room! I would have snapped it in half! I would’ve come after it with a pair of hedge clippers.
Coworker #2: It wouldn’t so much snap as it would snip.
405 Main Street
Milford, Michigan
Overheard by: John M.
But If a Cops Film Crew Shows Up, the Shirt Is History
Seminar coordinator: Between keeping my shoes on and keeping my britches on, there’ll be no running from me!
14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut
Overheard by: Marissa
If You Mention a Gadget, It’s Not Vulgarity
Fattie: I swear to Christ, I’m gonna shove that Blackberry up your ass if you bring it to another sales meeting.
1100 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota
Overheard by: Steven Grafing
10AM Client Meeting
Boss: You know that project we just finished?
Lackey: Yes.
Boss: We need a project plan that details what we did, how we did it, and how long it took.
Lackey: Um, I don’t know that.
Boss: Me neither, but the client will be here in an hour and they want to see a plan.
10000 Linn Station Road
Louisville, Kentucky
Any Excuse to Tell That Story
Nurse: She’s been so much better today. Chatty. She still walks around like this [puts chin to chest], but she came up to me and was like, “How are you today?” I said, “Huh? Oh, I’m fine!” Maybe it’s the Celexa.
Psychiatrist: Actually we’re weaning her off the Celexa. We started her on Effexor.
Nurse: Oh, well, maybe that’s it.
Psychiatrist: She’s only been on it one day. That wouldn’t really be long enough.
Nurse: No, that’s not… Celexa… I think I was taking that when I got into a fight at the airport. You know those guys with the M‑16s? Well, I told this one bitch I was gonna jump over the counter and take her out.
Girl: That was Celexa?
Nurse, smiling: Yeah.
Oregon State Hospital
Salem, Oregon
Six Sigma Is All about Eliminating Defects
Quality manager: If I told you what I know…
Salesman: You’d have to kill Charles*?
Quality manager: No… That’s not a bad idea, though.
8900 Kelso Drive
Baltimore, Maryland
Overheard by: Anonymous Temp
You’ll Find That I’m Strict, but Fair
Office worker: Hey, do you have a yard stick?
Supervisor: No, but I have a riding crop.
Human Services Building, Frances Avenue
Lancaster, Pennsylvania
9AM Hadn’t Even Taken Off My Jacket
Boss: I was asked to suggest some strong people for this open
position in another department, and I think you’d be great for the job, but if you leave me, I’ll kill you.
8200 Interstate Highway 10 W
San Antonio, Texas
10AM Review Napoleonic Code
Attorney #1: The governor suggested that everyone not evacuating write their social security number on their arm in indelible ink. I’m going to go through our database and tattoo the SSN of our richest client on my chest with my children as beneficiaries.
Attorney #2: You better get that tattoo on your ass because you’re going to be floating face down in the floodwater.
8555 United Plaza Boulevard
Baton Rouge, Louisiana
