Which I Should Not Have Done at Milking Time

Guy in next cube: I told her that if she came at me like that again, I’d cut her tits off… Yeah, I seriously told her that…well, I was drinking heavily.

Warren, Michigan

Overheard by: Scared for my tits

Take This Job and McShove It

Manager: You have to keep your collar buttoned unless your undershirt is white. I can see that yours is black.
Cashier: That’s not how we did it before.
Manager: That wasn’t this McDonald’s.

1983 86th Street
Brooklyn, New York

9AM TGIF

Supervisor: Let me tell you. boy, we’re going to play Marine Corps baseball here. You play ball with me or I’ll shove the bat up your ass!

550 South Hope Street
Los Angeles, California

Overheard by: Oldcorps 50 

You Men, Stop That Whimpering!

Female coworker, threatening another female coworker: Well, if I get a fucking yeast infection, you’re going to be the first to hear about it!

6th & Maple
Spokane, Washington

And Once You’re Fired, You Can’t Fire Back

Boss to intern: If I have to shoot you, I’m gonna shoot you.

Manhattan, New York

It’ll Just Make Things Worse

Grandmother to toddler trying to climb out of shopping cart: If you fall on your head and break your leg, don’t come running to me.

Santee, California

Overheard by: Snickering Cashier

Pretty Picky for Somebody without Hedge Clippers

Coworker #1: So I was talking to my friend on the phone, and there was a snake in his room! I would have snapped it in half! I would’ve come after it with a pair of hedge clippers.
Coworker #2: It wouldn’t so much snap as it would snip.

405 Main Street
Milford, Michigan

Overheard by: John M.

But If a Cops Film Crew Shows Up, the Shirt Is History

Seminar coordinator: Between keeping my shoes on and keeping my britches on, there’ll be no running from me!

14 Fairfield Drive
Brookfield, Connecticut

Overheard by: Marissa

If You Mention a Gadget, It’s Not Vulgarity

Fattie: I swear to Christ, I’m gonna shove that Blackberry up your ass if you bring it to another sales meeting.

1100 Nicollet Mall
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Overheard by: Steven Grafing

10AM Client Meeting

Boss: You know that project we just finished?
Lackey: Yes.
Boss: We need a project plan that details what we did, how we did it, and how long it took.
Lackey: Um, I don’t know that.
Boss: Me neither, but the client will be here in an hour and they want to see a plan.

10000 Linn Station Road
Louisville, Kentucky