Archive for the ‘The Military’ Category

4PM Smoke Break

Soldier #3 has a glass eye. It is out of his head and lying on the desk.

Soldier #1: Hey [John], let’s go have a smoke.
Soldier #2: Alright. [Places cigarette in mouth and walks toward door.] Soldier #3: Hey dumbass, you’re inside! Get that fuckin’ cigarette out of your mouth!
Soldier #2: Hey Blackbeard, get a fuckin’ eye in your head!

Building 2411‑B
Fort Eustis, Virginia

Overheard by: SGT Grier

3PM Scientific Inquiry

Sergeant: But seriously, what would happen if the sun turned off?
Soldier: Well, you’d still have like, millions of years while the thing cooled off.
Sergeant: Naw, f*** that, like what if God threw a circuit breaker?

Lieutenant walks in

Soldier: Hey LT, you ran a nuclear plant before you came in the service, right? What would happen if someone popped the circuit breaker on the sun right now?

Lieutenant has a pained expression on his face.

Sergeant: Seriously, we’re not gonna let this go until we have an answer from a reputable source.
Soldier: We could go on like this for the rest of the deployment.
Lieutenant: Alright guys, it’s like this…

[…2 hours of nuclear physics, relative theory, thermal conductivity of the Earth’s
mantle and crust, and every crackpot theory to counter the former three…]

Soldier:…man, I’m never asking LT another question, ever.
Lieutenant: Good, ’cause I wasn’t gonna answer it anyway.

Mozul Airfield

Overheard by: Bobby

9AM Back to Work

Soldiers are doing push-ups on frost-covered grass.

Soldier #1: Man, it’s cold! I can’t feel my hands!

Soldier #2: I can’t feel my testicles.

Soldier #3: My testicles are all crawled up inside my body…so snug…and so warm…

Soldier #4: I wish I was a testicle.

Soccer field #3
Fort Eustis, Virginia