Archive for the ‘Southeast’ Category

11AM Installation

Soldier #1 is walking around slapping people on the ass with a length of stainless steel hydraulic line.


Soldier #1: You like that, dontcha bitch? You want some more?
Soldier #2: Oh yeah, give it to me papi! 

*loud swat*

Soldier #2: OW!! [brief pause] Yeah, that was good…
Soldier #1: You want another one?
Soldier #2: Not yet, papi, I gotta go get the Crisco and rub it on my ass first.
Soldier #1: You have 5 minutes. 

Bldg 2411‑B
Fortt Eustis, Virginia

Overheard by: Jason Grier

And I Wouldn’t Mind Getting You Between the Worksheets

Assistant: Hey, could you help me with a price on a part?
Sales guy: Yeah, just give me a minute to finish what I’m doing… Hey, I’ll help you with your pricing thing if you come over here and help me with my spreadsheet.
Assistant: Deal. [Walks to next cubicle] My, you have a lot of toolbars…
Sales guy: I’m special.

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

9AM Back at Work

Manager: Are you doing okay? I’ve noticed you’ve seemed overwhelmed lately.

Smacking noises and paper shuffling

Assistant: Hmm? Oh, I’m okay. I just can’t find my purple posties.
Manager: Well, i just don’t want you to get frustrated and quit. We value you.

More smacking and agitated paper shuffling.

Assisant: Well, if i wasn’t busy, you wouldn’t need me. Where are those purple posties?
Manager: Don’t worry about the purple post-its right now. I’m asking how you are doing.

Lots of shuffling noises and frantic paper shuffling.

Assistant: I’m fine!
Manager: Are you sure, you really seem stressed.

Still shuffling

Assistant: I’d be doing a lot better if i could find my damn purple posties!
Manager: I’ll come back

Minutes later after lots of loud thuds and much desk smacking and paper shuffling…

Assistant: Heey! Here they are! Okay, I’m good now! 

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

10AM Translation Services

Engineeron phone to production guy: Let me call you back. I might have someone check the Mandarin label for correctness.

Engineer on phone to production guy: Yeah, Pei* can come by tomorrow at 8:00am to check the label. Is that OK?
Production guy: No.
Engineer: Oh, is that a problem?
Production guy: Yeah, there are a lot of much better looking Chinese girls in the building.
Engineer: Uh…You are on speaker phone.
Three-second silence.
Production guy: Well uh yeah, that should be fine.

800 Beaty Street
Davidson, North Carolina

2PM Long-term Planning

Employee #1: I just don’t understand the point of Martin Luther King Day.
Emoloyee #2: Come on! It’s a big day! It celebrates when Martin Luther King freed the slaves.
Employee #1: That was Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. Well, it celebrates when Martin Luther King gave the Emancipation Proclamation.
Employee #1: That was also Abraham Lincoln.
Employee #2: Oh. I’m not very good at history.

821 Benvenue
Rocky Mount, North Carolina

3PM Logging In

Sales guy: Sooo, how do I get on our intranet again?
His assistant: We put this on your Favorites list, remember? We’ve done this before.
Sales guy: No.. no.. I’m not seeing it.
Assistant: Yes, the very first time I showed you how to log in, I had you add it to your Favorites first.
Sales guy: I don’t know, but I know I’m not seeing it.
Assistant: Hmm, I can’t remember if it was under a subfolder or not.
Sales guy: What are you talking about?


Assistant: Okay, let’s start from the beginning… Open up your Internet Explorer.…
Sales guy: Okay… done…
Assistant: Now click on Favorites.…
Sales guy: Oooh. Is it called [Company Inc]-home?
Assistant: Mmm hmm. That would be it.
Cubicle neighbor: Is this the same voice you use to explain things to your daughter?

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina

4PM Smoke Break

Soldier #3 has a glass eye. It is out of his head and lying on the desk.

Soldier #1: Hey [John], let’s go have a smoke.
Soldier #2: Alright. [Places cigarette in mouth and walks toward door.] Soldier #3: Hey dumbass, you’re inside! Get that fuckin’ cigarette out of your mouth!
Soldier #2: Hey Blackbeard, get a fuckin’ eye in your head!

Building 2411‑B
Fort Eustis, Virginia

Overheard by: SGT Grier

1PM Soliciting Feedback

Sales girl: Sooo [Alice], I hear you are having butt trauma today.
[Alice] the assistant: Yeah, I don’t know what is wrong, but it just hurts. Down in my butt crack. It just hurts.
Sales guy: Huh? What’s going on?
[Alice]: Shut up, you’ve seen it already!

8220 England Street
Charlotte, North Carolina