Archive for the ‘Religious folk’ Category

Eh, What­ev­er, He’ll Be Dead be­fore He Can Com­plain

Nurse: The pa­tient in Room 39* re­quest­ed a vis­it from a Mor­mon priest.
Chap­lain: Re­al­ly? I’ll have to call one, give me a mo­ment. [Opens note­book] Ah, here we go. [Di­als phone, waits] Hi, this is Chap­lain Smith* at the hos­pi­tal. I’m call­ing about a pa­tient who would like a vis­it from a Mor­mon cler­gy-per­son. I haven’t vis­it­ed with the pa­tient, so I don’t know if he is a mem­ber of your con­gre­ga­tion, but he did specif­i­cal­ly re­quest a vis­it from a Mor­mon. Feel free to call me back at 555‑3418* when you get this mes­sage. Thanks. [Hangs up] Well, I left a mes­sage on their voice­mail. I won­der if the Je­ho­vah’s Wit­ness­es check their mes­sages of­ten.
Nurse: Je­ho­vah’s Wit­ness­es…?
Chap­lain: Oh, shit! I called the wrong church!

10 Med­ical Cen­ter Boule­vard
Win­ston-Salem, North Car­oli­na

Over­heard by: an­oth­er wit­ness

Pope Bene­dict: True Dat

Catholic sem­i­nary li­brary em­ploy­ee: Are you go­ing to in­ter­view Jane’s friend for the po­si­tion?
Catholic sem­i­nary li­brary su­per­vi­sor: No, I de­cid­ed she was­n’t qual­i­fied enough.
Catholic sem­i­nary li­brary em­ploy­ee: That’s a re­lief.
Catholic sem­i­nary li­brary su­per­vi­sor, sur­prised: Why do you say that? Don’t you like her?
Catholic sem­i­nary li­brary em­ploy­ee: It’s just that… Have you ever over­heard any of their phone con­ver­sa­tions?
Catholic sem­i­nary li­brary su­per­vi­sor: No.
Catholic sem­i­nary li­brary em­ploy­ee: It’s like they’re in a com­pe­ti­tion over who has the most in­tense vi­sions of the blessed Vir­gin Mary. We al­ready get enough of that shit.

Cal­i­for­nia

Over­heard by: bless me for I have sinned

But You Can Say “Sa­tan Plant­ed the Di­nosaur Bones”?

Front of­fice la­dy #1: “Abra­ham be­got Isaac.” What does that mean?
Front of­fice la­dy #2: It means Abra­ham is Isaac’s fa­ther ‑he had Isaac. It’s like “Adam knew Eve.” That means Adam banged her.
Front of­fice la­dy #1: I don’t think you can say that.

Med­ical Of­fice
Lin­coln, Ne­bras­ka

Have You Learned Noth­ing from Your Four Abor­tions?

New su­per­vi­sor, straight from the mil­i­tary: It’s my job to pro­tect you from the peo­ple above me.
26-year vet­er­an of the agency: I’ve got Je­sus and a man. I don’t need any more pro­tec­tion than that.

Fed­er­al Of­fice Build­ing
Wash­ing­ton DC

Over­heard by: Wast­ing my best years

We Al­so Would Have Ac­cept­ed “He Was Still Dead, Like a Zom­bie”

Sales rep: The one thing I did not un­der­stand about that movie The Pas­sion of The Christ is, if Christ came back from the dead… How did he die the sec­ond time?
Catholic man­ag­er: Ever hear of the Nicene creed?
Sales rep: No.
Catholic man­ag­er, sigh­ing: Con­ges­tive heart fail­ure.

Sun­bury, Penn­syl­va­nia