Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

Eh, What­ev­er, He’ll Be Dead be­fore He Can Com­plain

Nurse: The pa­tient in Room 39* re­quest­ed a vis­it from a Mor­mon priest.
Chap­lain: Re­al­ly? I’ll have to call one, give me a mo­ment. [Opens note­book] Ah, here we go. [Di­als phone, waits] Hi, this is Chap­lain Smith* at the hos­pi­tal. I’m call­ing about a pa­tient who would like a vis­it from a Mor­mon cler­gy-per­son. I haven’t vis­it­ed with the pa­tient, so I don’t know if he is a mem­ber of your con­gre­ga­tion, but he did specif­i­cal­ly re­quest a vis­it from a Mor­mon. Feel free to call me back at 555‑3418* when you get this mes­sage. Thanks. [Hangs up] Well, I left a mes­sage on their voice­mail. I won­der if the Je­ho­vah’s Wit­ness­es check their mes­sages of­ten.
Nurse: Je­ho­vah’s Wit­ness­es…?
Chap­lain: Oh, shit! I called the wrong church!

10 Med­ical Cen­ter Boule­vard
Win­ston-Salem, North Car­oli­na

Over­heard by: an­oth­er wit­ness

And I Was Like, “Mis­sion Ac­com­plished!”

Fe­male cowork­er #1: By that time I was drunk enough to run in there my­self. So I bought one of ’em. It was like a reg­u­lar con­dom, but it had these lit­tle pink things…
Fe­male cowork­er #2: You bought a french tick­ler?
Fe­male cowork­er #1: Yeah! So we blew it up at our ta­ble and start­ed us­ing it as a vol­ley­ball. It was re­al­ly fun for a while, and then I spiked it in­to the priest’s head and we were asked to leave the re­cep­tion.

Al­bany, New York

Over­heard by: Dou­bled over Cowork­er

It’s Ei­ther That or Get One of Those Helper Mon­keys

Ed­i­tor #1: I have fin­ger toes.
Pho­tog­ra­ph­er: You mean like long and bony?
Ed­i­tor #1: Yeah, I can, like, pick stuff up with them.
Ed­i­tor #2: Do you pinch peo­ple with them?
Ed­i­tor #1: Yeah. I al­ways pinch [my wife]. She hates it.
Ed­i­tor #2: God is just prepar­ing you for when you lose your arms.

333 North Merid­i­an
Ok­la­homa City, Ok­la­homa

Over­heard by: fransen comes alive

The “Big Jew” Cof­fee Mug Did­n’t Tip You Off?

Em­ploy­ee at mi­crowave: You know those meat­balls have meat in them?
Mi­crowav­ing em­ploy­ee: Right? Hence, meat­balls.
Em­ploy­ee at mi­crowave: Don’t you know the day?
Mi­crowav­ing em­ploy­ee: Sure, it is Fri­day all day.
Em­ploy­ee at mi­crowave: Well, it’s Lent, too.
Mi­crowav­ing em­ploy­ee: You don’t say… See­ing as how I am a big Jew we don’t cel­e­brate that.

Tin­ley Park, Illi­nois