Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Can’t Wait ‘Til He Puts on the Darth Vad­er Mask and Tells the Ba­by He’s Her Fa­ther

Woman #1: Hey! Look at you! I did­n’t know you were back from ma­ter­ni­ty leave.
Woman #2: Yeah, I just came back yes­ter­day.
Woman #1: I saw the pic­tures you emailed. She’s adorable. I re­mem­ber you were wor­ried about la­bor. How’d it go?
Woman #2: Not too bad, ac­tu­al­ly. Kind of what I ex­pect­ed. Al­though I punched my hus­band and threat­ened di­vorce dur­ing the worst of it.
Woman #1: Are you se­ri­ous? What did he do?
Woman #2: Right when my con­trac­tions were about two min­utes apart, he got ner­vous and at­tempt­ed to dis­tract me. So he kept mak­ing that ooohbah, ooohbah noise that those ro­bot things made in Re­venge of the Sith.
Woman #1: Omigod! I know what you’re talk­ing about. What a jerk! That’s so fun­ny, though.
Woman #2: Yeah, I know. We laugh about it now. But at the time I punched him in the stom­ach and called him a bas­tard. I told him if he opened his mouth again even to cough, we were get­ting a di­vorce. Poor guy would­n’t even talk to the nurs­es af­ter that.

777 Eisen­how­er Park­way
Ann Ar­bor, Michi­gan

He Just Does­n’t Have the Un­der­wear­with­al

Woman: I haven’t talked to Hen­ry* in a week. I’m through with him.
Man: Why? What hap­pened?
Woman: He’s sooo self­ish. He took the last t‑shirt out of my draw­er and wore it.
Man: That’s it? Dumped him over a t‑shirt?
Woman: I texted him and told him we’re through.
Man: Wow. Dumped over a Hanes.
Woman: Yep. In­fi­deli­ty I for­gave, but don’t take my last god­damned t‑shirt out of my fuckin’ draw­er. Self­ish!

45 South Illi­nois Street
In­di­anapo­lis, In­di­ana

Over­heard by: Shat­man­du