Yeah, but My Head’s Not Full Yet

Office girl #1: I want to start reading more books.
Office girl #2: Didn’t you just read yesterday?

11940 Jollyville Road
Austin, Texas

And Why Are You Snapping Photos?

Coworker, trying to get security card out of pocket: Why would you stand there and let me unbutton my pants when you already had yours out?

Nashville, Tennessee

I’m Just Trying to Be Polite

Hardhat #1 yelling to buddy in crane: How’d you get to be so tall?
Hardhat #2: Insanity.
Hardhat #1: Shamu?
Hardhat #2: No — insanity.
Hardhat #1: I can’t hear anything down here.

University of Arkansas
Fayetteville, Arkansas

Let Us Pour Libations and Examine the Entrails of a Goat

Clueless VP, whispering right after lightbulb has exploded: What does it mean?

Park Avenue
New York City, New York

1PM Lunch

IT #1: She’s a nut.
IT #2: Most people are.
IT #1: What kinda nut do you think we are?
IT #2: Cashews because we’re unique and expensive.
IT #1: I guess we could be macadamians.
IT #2: Those are fatty.

30830 Northwestern Highway
Farmington Hills, Michigan

There’s Your Cue! Fling Feces At Him

Elderly Boss: I need you to plug in this lamp for me.
Employee: Are you asking me to crawl [under your desk]?
Elderly Boss: You’re the only one who can. You’re my monkey.

703 McKinney Avenue
Dallas, Texas

I’m Not Quite Following You…

Bank teller: Ma’am, from now on if you want your balance you’ll need to request it.
Customer: How do I request it?
Bank teller: Well, ma’am, you just ask me for it.

Houston, Texas

12PM System is Acting Buggy

Staff: You have a second?
IT: Nope, completely out of stock on those.

200 Front Street W
Toronto, Ontario
Canadia

I Hear in New York They’ll Deliver It 24 Hours a Day

Supervisor: I wonder if we could get her to move back here. What’s keeping her in Austin?
Worker: She has a boyfriend.
Supervisor: Come on! You can get dick anywhere!

Dallas, Texas

Care to See My Jubilant Ribbon Dance?

Coworker #1: I’ve got a velvet shirt. Actually, it’s velour.
Coworker #2: What the fuck? Either way, who owns a velvet or velour shirt?
Coworker #1: I celebrate all fabrics.

International Place
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: like velour too