Woman: Man, I got so shitfaced last night. Major hangover. I’m not gonna get anything done.
Lackey: Well, good thing you’re a VP. You can get away with that kind of thing.
Woman: I know, right? And I don’t even have a college education!
Lackey: Guess I wasted those four years and workday sobriety for nothing. And all this time I could have been a hungover dropout.
Woman: Live and learn!
Providence, Rhode Island
Overheard by: Kate
Customer: Hello, Phyllis, how are you today?
Worker: I’m not Phyllis, I’m Kay.
Customer: Your name tag says Phyllis.
Worker: No, it doesn’t. It says Kay, see? P‑H-Y… oops!… wrong name tag.
Westmoreland Mall
Greensburg, Pennsylvania
Employee on phone: My buddy just told me this story about how his wife was so drunk last weekend in a high-end club in the Hamptons, and she ran to the bathroom to puke but never fully made it to the toilet. On top of that, as she was puking everywhere, turns out she was also shitting herself. So now the whole club had to be closed down because it smelled like shit and puke. Isn’t that hysterical?
Boss walks in.
Employee to boss: Hey, do you know this club?
Boss: Yeah, I actually went there last Saturday night, but we left immediately because it smelled like shit and vomit.
60th Street & Madison Avenue
New York, New York
Overheard by: holding-it-in
Office secretary: Beth* keeps me entertained.
Beth*: Yep, just give me a pill!
Pineville, Louisiana
Lady #1: I’m saving myself for Mozart.
Lady #2: That’s going to be quite a wait, honey.
Santa Fe, New Mexico
Overheard by: Sarah
Office chick #1: Hey, I like your shoes. Are they new?
Office chick #2: Thanks. I’ve had them for a while. I just haven’t been wearing them.
Office chick #1: They’re kind of low cut.
Office dude: Yeah, I can see a lot of arch. If this was the middle east, I’d totally be raping you right now.
Rancho Cordova, California
Overheard by: Good thing we’re in Cali.
Female staffer #1: Yeah, we need to get us a gas-powered hedge trimmer.
Male staffer: Yeah, we have an electric, but it’s battery-operated. And the battery only lasts about ten minutes, so it’s like Extreme Speed Trimming. We have to get to that bush fast before the battery runs out.
Female staffer #2: Are y’all talking about vibrators?
Male staffer: Uh, well, sort of, except this one has teeth that chop long skinny things in half.
Female staffer #2: Oooh, kinky! Where’d you get it?
10 Medical Center Boulevard
Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Circulation clerk: I was talking to her about how peaceful it is in here, and now she’s going to go get a knife.
1035 North Treat Avenue
Tucson, Arizona
Overheard by: Volks
Parent to teacher: Would it be possible for students to have extra recess time instead of silent reading?
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Manager: Ow, shit shit fuck shit.
Peon: What’s wrong?
Manager: I accidentally ironed my arm this morning, and now it hurts every time I touch anything with it.
1180 Jefferson Road
Rochester, New York
Overheard by: Cube Farm Worker #5823457
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist