Nev­er Lose Bets to Your Chil­dren

Par­ent to teacher: Would it be pos­si­ble for stu­dents to have ex­tra re­cess time in­stead of silent read­ing?

Pitts­burgh, Penn­syl­va­nia

Then We Emp­ty the Can In­to a Vol­cano

Son, point­ing to a tip can: Mom, what’s that?
Mom: That’s where they put all the naughty kids that are both­er­ing the par­ents.
Son: No they don’t!
Mom: It’s true, you can ask the la­dy.
Gro­cery bag­ger: Yup, your mom’s right.

Kailua, Hawaii

Over­heard by: Work­er #43

Those Who Can’t Do, Teach

Boss’s 80-year-old dad: I don’t think I am go­ing to keep my re­al­tor’s li­cense.
Boss’s 80-year-old mom: Okay… Then what are you go­ing to do?
Boss’s 80-year-old dad: I’ll be­come a sex ther­a­pist!

126 York Street
Elmhurst, Illi­nois

Over­heard by: Joanie

Al­so the Idea be­hind In­ter­net Porn

Man re­fer­ring to stuffed beaver’s tail with ‘Do not touch’ sign: Can my daugh­ter touch this?
Work­er: No.
Man to daugh­ter: You can’t touch it, hon­ey, be­cause Miss Sen­so­ry De­pri­va­tion over here wants you to touch with your eyes, not with your hands.

Ster­ling, Vir­ginia

I Got That Ages Ago

Mom: Oooh, guess what I got while I was in At­lanta yes­ter­day?
Daugh­ter, fak­ing ex­cite­ment: Her­pes?!
Mom: No, I got– Wait, what?!

Mall
Geor­gia

Over­heard by: P‑Nuckle

Send in Jack Bauer!

Dad: Hon­ey, where’s your ted­dy bear?
3‑year-old girl: Oh, the ter­ror­ist are hid­ing him.

Over­lake Hos­pi­tal
Belle­vue, Wash­ing­ton

Over­heard by: Nurse says what

At a Quar­ter-Mil­lion Square Miles, He’s a Very Big Boy

Proud, jorts-wear­ing pa­pa: Er­ic* is look­ing more like a Saskatchewan every day, with his big feet and all that hair.

Con­rad Sauer Dri­ve
Hous­ton, Texas

Over­heard by: Ja­cob

…And Help Me Swipe Wal­lets.

Woman to child: Some peo­ple are just wicked. Put that pump­kin back.

Wal-Mart
Ab­erdeen, Wash­ing­ton

At Least He’s Stopped Ask­ing When He’ll Go to Hog­warts

Four-year-old kid to dad: Dad, how old will I be when I’m a Je­di knight?

Barnes & No­ble
Man­has­set, New York

Over­heard by: Jen

…Pim­ple.

Moth­er on phone with fam­i­ly mem­ber: Look, you’re go­ing whether you want to or not. Just tell peo­ple it’s a ma­lig­nant.

Gaithers­burg, Mary­land