Archive for the ‘North Carolina’ Category

Eh, What­ev­er, He’ll Be Dead be­fore He Can Com­plain

Nurse: The pa­tient in Room 39* re­quest­ed a vis­it from a Mor­mon priest.
Chap­lain: Re­al­ly? I’ll have to call one, give me a mo­ment. [Opens note­book] Ah, here we go. [Di­als phone, waits] Hi, this is Chap­lain Smith* at the hos­pi­tal. I’m call­ing about a pa­tient who would like a vis­it from a Mor­mon cler­gy-per­son. I haven’t vis­it­ed with the pa­tient, so I don’t know if he is a mem­ber of your con­gre­ga­tion, but he did specif­i­cal­ly re­quest a vis­it from a Mor­mon. Feel free to call me back at 555‑3418* when you get this mes­sage. Thanks. [Hangs up] Well, I left a mes­sage on their voice­mail. I won­der if the Je­ho­vah’s Wit­ness­es check their mes­sages of­ten.
Nurse: Je­ho­vah’s Wit­ness­es…?
Chap­lain: Oh, shit! I called the wrong church!

10 Med­ical Cen­ter Boule­vard
Win­ston-Salem, North Car­oli­na

Over­heard by: an­oth­er wit­ness

What Hap­pens When You Think About Things that Don’t Bear Think­ing About

IT guy: Oh, good I’m back to the top of your fa­vorite peo­ple list.
Sales as­sis­tant: What? William* the hot A/C guy got bumped down?
IT guy: William’s gone; he’s off the list.
Sales guy: Is­n’t William a ger­bil?
Sales as­sis­tant: That’s my ger­bil! We’re talk­ing about the A/C guy now.
Sales guy: Ask Pe­ter* about ger­bil; he likes ’em.
IT guy: Ed breeds the ger­bils.
Sales guy: I breed them just for you. Hair­less, claw­less ger­bils.
Pe­ter: Edsgerbils.com!
Sales guy: You don’t want one with claws..
Pe­ter: Go to Edsgerbils.com to get your hair­less ger­bils.
Sales guy: Don’t for­get claw­less… you don’t want one with claws.
Of­fice Man­ag­er: Stop with the ger­bils.
Sales guy, to him­self: No… don’t want one with claws.…

8220 Eng­land Street
Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na

Time to Stop Hav­ing Din­ner at Mel Gib­son’s House

Jew­ish man­ag­er: I got your e‑mail about XYZ Spring Com­pa­ny* not be­ing able to make that spring.
Of­fice girl: Yeah, those dirty– Ugh!
Jew­ish man­ag­er: It’s okay, it’s okay!
Of­fice girl: They just keep quot­ing stuff, and when I give them an or­der they de­cide they can’t do it be­cause they are lit­tle pieces–! Ugh! Nev­er mind!
Jew­ish man­ag­er: Are you okay?
Of­fice girl: Yeah… I’m just try­ing to be Chris­t­ian to­day.
Jew­ish man­ag­er: … Good for you. [Walks away.]Office girl, from a dis­tance: I need to say more things in my head. I think I’m fired now.

8220 Eng­land Street
Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na

Dessert!

Of­fice chick on phone: My mom is mak­ing me a huge meal tonight for my birth­day… Ba­con-wrapped filet mignon with blue cheese on top, Cae­sar sal­ad, and roast­ed pota­toes.
Neigh­bor­ing cube guy: I just nut­ted a lit­tle on my key­board.

4004 East Chapel Hill Park­way
Durham, North Car­oli­na

I Did­n’t Have Any Re­al Ap­ples, So I Used Ball Bear­ings

Sales guy: I made a pie once.
As­sis­tant: Okay, I bite. What kind of pie did you make?
Sales guy: An ap­ple one.
As­sis­tant: Did it come out of a box?
Sales guy: No, I made it. All by my­self. But it was re­al­ly heavy. It must have been about ten pounds. I think I was stoned. This was back in like 1972… I just re­mem­ber it was re­al­ly heavy. I think it was about four inch­es thick.

Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na