Kind­ly Do Not Demon­strate

Woman: So if you’ve nev­er done it be­fore, it’s go­ing to hurt the first time and maybe even bleed a bit.
Man: Uh huh.
Woman: So don’t be afraid. You should try it. It’s def­i­nite­ly worth it.

Oth­er peo­ple in el­e­va­tor shuf­fle un­com­fort­ably.

Woman: Um…So floss­ing is cru­cial to good den­tal hy­giene.

El­e­va­tor
Hous­ton, Texas

3PM Break­room

Cus­tomer ser­vice clerk #1: Whew! It stinks in here. Did the bug ex­ter­mi­na­tor guy spray for bugs in here to­day?
Cus­tomer ser­vice clerk #2: No, one of the sales reps just walked through. You are smelling sales­man cologne.

5760 East High­way 80
Pearl, Mis­sis­sip­pi

Over­heard by: Brain Danc­ing

9AM Back to Work

Teller: I haven’t de­cid­ed yet if I’m go­ing to see The Da Vin­ci Code. I want to see it, but if I do I’ll feel like I’m… sup­port­ing. You know?
Bank AVP: … Sup­port­ing?
Teller: The Dev­il!

Long pause

Bank AVP: Tom Han­ks is the dev­il?

48 Clifty Kirk­mans­ville Road
Clifty, Ken­tucky

12PM Lunch

De­vel­op­er: “I’m sor­ry I gave you her­pes.” They have a card for every­thing.

8920 Per­shall Av­enue
Hazel­wood, Mis­souri

2PM Per­son­al Call

Cowork­er on phone: You live in the coun­try, they were there first! If you did­n’t want any an­i­mals you should have lived in the city!

333 North Merid­i­an
Ok­la­homa City, Ok­la­homa

Over­heard by: fransen comes alive

Shop­ping at Tau­tol­ogy

Girl: Ex­cuse me, do you car­ry ton­ic wa­ter?
Stock boy: Yeah, I think so. I mean, if we have it, it’s prob­a­bly some­where in the store.
Girl: Uh, thanks.

Schnooks
Mem­phis, Ten­nessee

So We’ll Know Who to Re­place You With

Of­fice man­ag­er: I mean, when we in­ter­view ware­house em­ploy­ees, why are we ask­ing them if they have Ex­cel ex­pe­ri­ence?
Ware­house su­per­vi­sor: What the hell is ‘Ex­cel’?

Eng­land Street
Char­lotte, North Car­oli­na

3PM On the Links

At a com­pa­ny golf out­ing…

Mem­ber of oth­er four­some: Did some­body lose a club cov­er?
Cowork­er, in the sad­dest voice ever: Was it a go­ril­la?

457 IH 45 South
Huntsville, Texas

So I Knew All the Ques­tions Ahead of Time

GRE tak­er #1: That math sec­tion sure was hard.
GRE tak­er #2: Yeah, I was re­al con­fused with the an­gle-side-an­gle cal­cu­la­tions.
GRE tak­er #1: I thought it was tough, too, but thank­ful­ly I took as­trol­o­gy last se­mes­ter.

Fayet­teville State Uni­ver­si­ty
Fayet­teville, North Car­oli­na

1PM De­sign Meet­ing

De­sign­er to pho­to re­searcher: Try to find a nice child abuse shot.

10801 N. MoPac Ex­press­way
Austin, Texas

Over­heard by: al­ways lis­ten­ing