Archive for the ‘Legal’ Category

Then I Have Some Bad News about Those En­velopes You Just Licked

Para­le­gal to friend­ly lawyer: I’m sor­ry, I can’t shake your hand.
Lawyer: What’s your prob­lem? We just saved the firm hun­dreds of thou­sands of dol­lars.
Para­le­gal: It has noth­ing to do with that… I’d help to bank­rupt an or­phan­age if it came to it.
Lawyer: Then why won’t you shake my hand?
Para­le­gal: Sir, I was in the bath­room when you took a shit af­ter the meet­ing, and you did­n’t wash your hands. That’s just dis­gust­ing.

725 12th Street NW
Wash­ing­ton, DC

Be­yond a Rea­son­able Doubt

At­tor­ney: Oh, god, not her. She is an in­suf­fer­able hag. Tell her I’m not in the of­fice.
Temp on phone: I’m sor­ry, ma’am, he’s out of the of­fice… Well, I apol­o­gize, but he’s not here right now… Yes, I’m aware that ly­ing to an­oth­er at­tor­ney is un­eth­i­cal… Ma’am, you did not hear his voice in the back­ground… No, I’m telling you, he’s not here… Well, how do you know that was his voice? Could­n’t it have been an in­tern or an­oth­er at­tor­ney? … Well if it sound­ed like him, who’s to say his son is­n’t vis­it­ing to­day and that’s whose voice you heard? Yes, I’ll give him the mes­sage. Thank you.
At­tor­ney: So… Have you con­sid­ered law school?

Long Is­land law firm
Long Is­land, New York

2PM Swear­ing In

Court of­fi­cer speak­ing to al­most-ad­mit­ted at­tor­neys await­ing cer­e­mo­ny: And when you stand, don’t lock your knees or stand up straight, just re­lax and kind of hunch over, we don’t want any­one to col­lapse — it has hap­pened be­fore, and it is like at­tor­ney domi­noes…

45 Mon­roe Place
Brook­lyn, New York

Over­heard by: Lans