Archive for the ‘Hiring & Firing’ Category

2PM All Hands Meeting at Downtown Branch

HR: Okay [Jen], here is your six month review. You are doing excellent work, we couldn’t be happier, you adapt especially well to change and keep this office running like a tight ship. We have put you in for a substantial raise.
VP: We have come to the decision that we will be closing this office. Everyone’s last day of work will be December 31st–
HR: –and here are your severance packages.

238 Bedford Street
Lexington, Massachusetts

4PM Brainstorming Session

New training manager: Back in the day, I had a great idea. I know we’re into this touchy-feely self-esteem human resource stuff, but I said: “Take the supervisor who has the highest rate of unqualified, untrained direct reports, walk him to the end of the pier, and shoot him!” They told me I couldn’t do that. But it would have been effective!

75 Eastern Point Road
Groton, Connecticut

‘Fuck You’ Was More of a Request Than an Expletive

Manager: Can you gather up the other guys? We have to move a bunch of stuff.
Employee: Fuck you.
Manager: What did you just say to me?
Employee: Fuck you, asshole.
Manager: Are you nuts?
Employee: Fuck you, bitch.
Manager: You’re fired. Get out of here.
Employee: I wasn’t clocked in. You can’t fire me.
Manager walks to computer, clocks him in, says, ‘You’re fired,’ and then clocks him out.
Employee: That’s so unfair.

Circle Centre Mall

Overheard by: Shatmandu

Which Is Why It Can’t Be the Other Guy I Slept With

Very white girl in business suit on cell in cafeteria: No, I haven’t told him yet, I just found out for sure this morning. (pause) Well, I don’t have his phone number anymore, I took it out of my phone so I wouldn’t drunk dial. (pause) I don’t know, I know his address, so maybe I’ll just send him a card. “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m having a baby, and so are you”. (pause) Hey, maybe a singing telegram to him at work. That’ll go over big. (pause) He’s an elementary school teacher… that would probably get him fired. (pulls out ghetto accent) And you know my baby daddy better have hisself a job!

Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard by: Currrly!

As a Condition of His Parole

Suit #1: Well, what about Harry*? We could put him on the local board. He has a lot of connections around the city.
Suit #2: Wait, didn’t he just get out of prison?
Suit #3: Eh, he’s paid his debt to society. Plus, I’m sure he’s looking for a job.

Conference room
New York, New York